Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima
by Tuisto
Summary: Just some things I've thought would be likely, possible, and funny encounters in Ranma. Ranmas period? Akane cursed? Ranma in love with a man? Ranma pregnant? Now contains LEMONY goodness, and strong language. Rated 16 yrs, and up.
1. chap 1, So it begins

:Disclaimer: All chatacters in the following fiction are the sole property of their respective copy write holders. That may include, but is not limited to Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ studios and filming agents, and that guy that got Mrs. Takahashi's coffee this morning, etc. I'm merely barrowing them, if you think otherwise, you should begin looking for a good psychiatrist.

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 1: revised**

* * *

Nerima a quite little suburb of Tokyo, well at first glance maybe. Once you've passed the dozens upon dozens of esoteric martial arts dojo's, wandering ghosts, aquatransmorphic super-powered love-struck teenagers, and more perverts per capita than you could shake a stick at. You might notice it's not _sooo_, quite after all. 

Take the scene unfolding at the heart of this madness itself, the Tendo dojo of Anything Goes martial arts.

"Genma! Genma! Come quickly, we're received a letter!" Soun Tendo shouted as he excitedly ran in from the mail post.

"Really! Don't just stand there you fool, read it!" Genma retorted to his friend as the two approached each other.

Soun in a voice mockingly mimicking that of the fat Chinese Jusenkyo guide began to read, "Dear Sirs, we at Jusenkyo be very pleased to receive letter of request from you, for sacred cursed waters of Nannichuan sacred cursed spring water. After one years of much thinkings by Jusenkyo committee, they approve too too good request. You will receive sacred cursed waters one week from time you Sirs receive letter."

Both men upon reading the good news, flew into action grabbing the other mans arm and doing the 'victory' dance as performed by two idiots.

"NO MORE BEING A PANDA!" Exclaimed an extremely enthused Genma.

"And finally the two schools of Anything Goes Martial Arts can be joined in marriage!" Soun "fountain-san" Tendo shouted happily, now with tears streaking down his face.

'You know Soun old boy, this means we have a lot of preparations to make ready for the wedding…… like to dragg….. err, I mean _convincing_ those two ungrateful children into the chapel for their wedding day." Explained Genma.

"Quite right! We have much, much work to do still old friend! Now I wonder where the cheapest place to rent a wedding dress from is?" Soun said quietly more to himself.

"Well, old friend, I don't know really, but I'm sure you'll be able to find it!" Genma said, adding silently to himself, "_You cheap old bastard_."

With that, the two middle aged martial artists quickly began their new plotting for the day of their children's wedding.

* * *

Later in that evening as Kasumi practiced her Anything Goes Martial Arts Home-Making, a soft soprano scream wretched the air and was heard emanating from the bathroom. "Oh my, that sounded like Ranma-chan, I'd better go check in on her" The ever polite Kasumi stated as she finished with her Battle-Feather-duster. (1)

* * *

The day Ranma had feared coming since falling into a spring in rural China and he was cursed to also be a "she" depending on the weather, had finally arrived. Now Ranma being no dummy, contrary to everyone else's opinion of him/her, had done quite a bit of reading on this and thought she'd be ready for the cramps, mood swings and the like, but when the time came. _She_ was completely unprepared for the worste part of it, forgetting almost everything she had read in the school library about the female body when a certain accusatory tomboy fiancée wasn't around to scream "PERVERT!" 

So it was a bit of a surprise when there was a faint knock at the bathroom door, followed by the ever gentle Kasumi's voice. "Ranma, are you okay, do you need any help in there?"

"Umm, Kasumi, I-ii, think I DO need your help with thiiiiiiis, I-ii just don't know what ttttttoooo do." Ranma stuttered out.

Kasumi noting the trembling in the strong martial artist's voice quickly, but quietly rushed in, quite surprised by the sight of what she saw in there.

Sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor in her trademark boys boxer shorts and muscle shirt, was the short redheaded girl was quietly sobbing and on the verge of all-out bawling.

"What… what is so wrong Ranma?" Kasumi gentle asked as she put her hand on Ranmas head.

"I'M A FREAK!" Was all Ranma could tearilly shout back at Kasumi.

"Oh, Ranma, you're not a freak. Yes you've been cursed, but that doesn't make you a freak" Kasumi said calmly and reassuringly.

"YES I AM! I AM A FREAK! LOOK AT ME! I'M BLEEDING 'DOWN THERE'!" Ranma said, and pointing to her boxer shorts.

With that Kasumi actually looked down to where the young redhead was pointing. Then realized exactly what Ranma had meant.

"Oh my, Ranma, that's perfectly natural for a young woman, you're now having your first menarche." Seeing the redheads confusion, kasumi elaborated "You know Ranma, your period."

As those words settled and stung in Ranmas' ears. Ranma tried to retort. "But I'm not a woman, "I'mmmm aaaaa ggguy!" Then came the much needed emotional release of crying and bawling like Ranma had never experienced before.

"There, there, I'll help you with this Ranma" Kasumi said, as she gently knelt down next to Ranma and took the sobbing martial artist into her arms so that Ranma could cry it all out.

"But I don't want your help! I'm a strong guy!" Ranma blurted between softer sobs, but at this point was in near hysterics.

"I know! I'll change back to my guy side and I won't have to deal with this now!" Ranma proclaimed as she broke free of the hug she was enveloped in, bolted upright, while doing so knocking Kasumi on flat on her butt.

"But…." Kasumi tried to protest, but the redhead didn't notice and was darting for the furo tub. With a loud splash sending water everywhere in the tiny bathroom, the redhead dove into the furo with a reckless abandon for safety.

Though as Ranma arose from the steamy hot water filled furo tub she knew it didn't work and was almost afrain to look, but since Ranma Saotome isn't afraid of anything, she looked down to see her generous breasts and not her male chest, all she could manage to say before passing out from a knock to her head was "Damn that old panda" And she was out cold, half draped over the edge of the furo tub.

As Kasumi took in the events of past several minutes, she mused to herself "_This might be more of a problemme than I first thought_"

With that she left the unconscious redhead girl on the bathroom floor, and went to her room for some desperately needed necessities.

Ranma slowly awoke to the feeling of her red locks being brushed. Opening her eyes this was confirmed as she saw Kasumi sitting next to her gently brushing her red hair that at this point was out of its famous pigtail and was instead draped down to her mid back .

"Kasumi?" Ranma asked.

"Oh, good, you're awake! Now we can begin our little girl time chat!" Kasumi beamed and smiled hoping to defuse the awkwardness that was to come.

"But I'm not a girl! I'm a guy" Ranma protested with a cute, to the point of glucose shock, pout.

"No I'm sorry Ranma, not for now, and not for the next few days you certainly aren't. Ranma, I know how much you may dislike hearing this. But for now, and from now on when you're in your girl-type form. You're all woman. This means that once a month, you're vagina will bleed and due to extra hormones you'll be a bit '_moody_'. This also means that if you were to be intimate with a man, you could get pregnant and have a baby. Do you understand?"

As Ranma was much calmer now than before, all she had previously read was coming back to her mind. So she simply nodded to Kasumi to confirm that she now indeed did understand.

"But Kasumi, why aren't I a guy now? I remember jumping into the furo, but nothing after that"

Kasumi " Well, I'm not 10o percent certain why, but when you splashed into the hot water, you just didn't change back to your guy self. But I'm pretty certain you're not changing has to deal with your……" Kasumi trailed off.

"Myyy period" Ranma said sheepishly and coloured from embarisment.

"Yes" was all Kasumi could say.

"Kasumi…" Ranma began hesitantly "… why do you think THIS is happening now?"

Kasumi sighs deeply to order her thoughts "Well Ranma, sometimes very… active girls don't get theirs later in their teens years because of some… hormonal imbalances. Then when the hormones of early puberty balance out later on, that's when these active girls get their…." Kasumi trailed off to let Ranma comprehend this.

After several minutes Ranma mumbles "Oh…" and colours even further.

"But while you're a woman for now, I've brought you something's that will make it all a _little_ better" Kasumi continued. "Here are a few tampons for you, do you know how to use them?"

"Yeah, I know all about these from the books in the school library, and the talks I've overheard other girls have." Ranma replied. But oh how she wished she hadn't heard _some_ of those talks.

Kasumi looks at Ranma oddly and asks. "Ranma were you eavesdropping on these girls to know what to expect?"

"WHAT?" Ranma shouts startled at the accusation then continues "No Kasumi, I've just heard a lot in passing. It wasn't like I was perving in on conversations about this junk."

"Ah, that's good Ranma. Now here are some other things, But I don't want to hear your protests. Right now you need these things, whether you like it or not."

Ranma couldn't believe her ears, for the first time since Ranma had known the girl she considered to be a sister, Kasumi was stern and stone faced. Then she noticed the items the older girl had placed out before her.

"_NO anything but those types of things!_" Ranma thought to herself in silent protest to them.

Before her Kasumi had laid out two sets of matching outfits that consisted of blue pleated skirts and blouses, otherwise known as the Furinkan High School girls uniform. Ranma had worn similar outfits before, so these didn't bother her as much as what she gazed upon next. There next to the folded clothes were several sets of brightly coloured brassieres and panties, along with a new unopened package of tampons…..

"Now Ranma, these are YOUR things now. I altered my old high school uniforms to fit you better, so now they're yours. I'm also for now taking away your boys underwear and other clothes for now, as it just wouldn't do for the time being. But I'll let you have them back once you can change back to being a boy. Now if you don't mind getting dressed, and I mean fully dressed, tampon then panties, brassier, skirt then blouse in that order. No dinner for you."

Ranma still in a state of shock at Kasumi's sternness, capitulated, and did as Kasumi asked as the older girl walked back down stairs to the kitchen. Once there she chuckled quietly to herself about how easy that was when compared to Akane's time and their 'chat'.

* * *

"Everyone, come to the dinning room! Super is ready!" Kasumi beamed to the household. 

Just as Genma and every Tendo had taken their respective seats at the table and began the dinner ritual of 'digging in'. They all turned to see the one member of the household that had in all this time only been late to the dinner table when he/she had been out fighting. At that same moment there were mouths agape, and at least two bowls of rice were dropped and broke upon seeing the once ultra-unfeminine, boy turned girl, warring of all things one of Kasumi's older school outfits, while fidgeting with a brassier strap on her shoulder as she took her seat next to her father.

"You pervert! What are you doing in Kasumi's clothes?" Akane screamed at Ranma.

"Oh, Akane, it's alright, I gave then to Ranma, she needs them right now more than I do anyways" said Kasumi smiling hoping to calm down her… spirited sister.

"Oh, and why is this Kasumi" Genma and Soun seemed to ask in unison.

"Well……." Kasumi started, but was cut off by Ranma.

"Well, um……. See thing is pop's, Mr. Tendo…..umm the thing is, for right now and the next few days, I don't think I'll be able to change back to a guy. Sorry about this" Ranma said, then continued to gently ease rice into her mouth. Ranma being a gentle eater was another huge shock to the family sitting around Ranma.

"Oh, and why's this My boy?" Genma shouted at Ranma.

"It's a woman's issue Mr. Saotome, can you leave it at that?" Kasumi interjected.

'_Women's issue? Bah rubbish weak minded junk'_ Genma thought then said "NO! I want to hear it from my son's mouth why he refuses to change back! If you won't change back! I'll change you back BOY!" With that Genma, seemingly from nowhere pulled out a steaming tea kettle and doused his 'son' with the hot water it contained. Then, there was only more shock, and more questions being raised by what they saw. There sat one short, red headed formerly pigtailed, buxom girl, soaking wet with steaming hot water.

"But….. BUT HOW!" The entire family, minus Kasumi, screamed at Ranma.

At this point the calm collected composure Ranma had somehow managed to maintain through all this broke. And the entire family noticed as the short redhead stood and went into hysterical laughter mixed with some tears for several minutes. So the sight of an emotional unhinged Ranma, quickly quieted the house. After all, THAT IS scary.

Then calming down just enough, and in the gruffest voice the redhead girl could muster in her soprano voice.

"I didn't want to say it like this…. But I've gotten my first period okay! That's why I can't change back baka old man! And the for the record the clothes were Kasumi's idea not mine! She even took away my boy clothes until I can change back!" and with that outburst Ranma 'punted' Genma into the koi pond, where panda-Genma stood shakily out of the water.

The table fell silent as Ranma, still dripping wet, retook her seat and started to finish her now soggy rice.

The silence however didn't last.

First by Kasumi's very soft, barely audible "Oh, poor Ranma-chan."

Then by the signing of the Panda-man Genma. "My son! My son has become a woman! A WEAK SILLY WOMAN!" followed by his sobbing.

Nabiki at this point was herself laughing hysterically, plotting on how much Yen she might be able to get out of the redhead sitting across from her with this revalation.

Then the last thing Ranma heard that night, was simply Akane's statement of

"RANMA…………… YOU PERVERT!

With that a gigantic wood mallet appeared out of nowhere, then a loud #thwack# as it impacted the redhead with enough force to drive her right through the floor.

"Well, I have homework to do now" Akane then stormed off to her room as if absolutely nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

* * *

The next morning the Tendo girls and the neo-girl Ranma were walking to school in their matching blue school dresses. 

As they entered the gates to the noble institution of learning that was Furinkan High School. The crowds and masses of students already confirmed with the knowledge that the PigTailed girl and Ranma Saotome were one and the same person from last semesters display at the Cheerleading competition, were completely awestruck by what they saw. And all began mumbling to themselves and each other. "Ranma Saotome has come to school as a girl, and in a skirt no less?" Was the general course of the talk. Being so embarrassed knowing all the chatter was about "her" that her cheeks became as nearly as red as her hair.

Unfortunately for Ranma, HE of all people had to notice her today of all days.

"PIG TAILLED GODDESS! YOUR LOVE FOR ME IS SO GREAT YOU HAVE TRANSFERRED TO MY SCHOOL! COME! LET US EMBRACE OURSELVES TO SHOW THESE PEASANTS OUR TRUEST LOVE!" shouted the imperious, and pompous, and delusional, Blue Thunder Tatewaki Kuno.

"Oh, last thing I need right now is him" Ranma muttered to herself.

With his speech done Kuno glompt onto Ranma, much to Ranmas dismay and fury.

"You idiot, get off of me!" Ranma said slapping Kuno until she was freed from his grasp.

"What's your problemme anyways! Don't you get it? Haven't you heard? Or are you just too think headed to understand?" Ranma nearly shouted with a battle aura haloing her form.

"What is that my pigtailed goddess?"

"First of all, would you stop calling my that! I ain't yours for nothin'! And I have a name too you know! Which brings me to my next point. I'm Ranma Saotome! Haven't you heard! At the cheer competition least semester my little secret got out. I'm a guy dammit!" Ranma said hoping against hope THIS time the idiot would get it.

"Oh, my pigtailed goddess, that is only what that vile sorcerer Ranma Saotome wants you to think! I know it sure as the sun rises from the east!"

Upon hearing such a bold declaration from Kuno, the entire school student body decided to, for once, help out Ranma and yelled at him in unison.

"IT'S TRUE KUNO YOU IDIOT!"

After several moments, it all seemed to just click into place in Kunos pliable mind, the competitions, the names, the family and friends, the fact he'd never seen both Ranma and the pig-tailed-girl in the same room, or even in the same vicinity. Everything. Then he did something, something that for the first time was "unaided" by blunt force trauma to his thick cranium, he fainted at the realizeation that he was in love……. In love with Ranma Saotome.

"Akane, I think he's out of our hair now, wanna get to class before we're late again?" Ranma said.

"Sure, but are you certain you want to go as a girl? You'll be alright with this? You know you could've just called in sick or something." Akane said, for once trying to sound sympathetic to Ranma's plight.

"Naw, I couldn't of just called in sick, and I thought sooner or later I'd have to come as a girl like this. I'll be alright." Ranma replied more enthusiastically than she felt. '_Damn cramps_'

Just then a spatula wielding Ukyo ran up next to Ranma and Akane as they were walking into the halls of the school.

"So Ranma honey, why you comin' to school as a girl? They didn't run out of gas to heat water over where you live did they?" Ukyo said, obviously to goad Akane into something less than friendly.

"Naw, nothin' like that Uc-Chan, it's a long story, but for now and the next couple of days I can't change into a guy."

Uc-Chans curriousity was piqued. "Oh really sugar, can you give me a hint?"

"Um, well, you know…… once a month girl issues are keeping me from changing" Ranma said, then gave a faint smirk and slight blush to Ukyo.

With that Ukyo paled, stopped walking and froze in place like a statue, with the cutest bewildered expression of "_but how?_" on her face.

"Hmm, she took that better that I expected. Come on Akane, or else we'll be late for class."

School much to Ranma's pleasure went better than she thought. The only problemme was convincing the teachers and other staff that this short redhead girl was the same person as the tall black haired martial artist boy. But after the entire schools student body vouched for her, and after Nabiki sold several VHS tapes of the change for a tidy profit, there were no problemmes from the teachers, just odd looks, and some even odder questions.

After the after school movie the trio went to see, a comedy romance flick, actually. That involved a teenage martial artist with multiple fiancées Ranma found surprisingly entertaining and strangely familiar, though she couldn't place why. Walking home with Akane and Nabiki, Ranma was reflecting on all the events so far. Then chimed in to the two sisters' conversation. "Pretty eventful 24 hours, huh?" Then smiled and ran ahead of the two into the sunset giggling. All Nabiki could say after that was, "This is just too weird, even by our standards." Akane just nodded in agreement, wondering when Rod Serling would step out from a blind corner or something.

Ah, but so it begins

* * *

(1)- What? Ukyo has a Battle-Spatula, so what's wrong with a Battle-Feather-duster? 

T/B/C!


	2. Chap 2, it was a wednesday

:Disclaimer: All chatacters in the following fiction are the sole property of their respective copy write holders. That may include, but is not limited to Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ studios and filming agents, and that guy that got Mrs. Takahashi's coffee this morning, etc. I'm merely barrowing them, if you think otherwise, you should begin looking for a good psychiatrist.

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 2: revised**

* * *

Woes in Nerima, part two, it was a Wednesday.

The most dreaded thing to one pigtailed martial artist, aside from demons, ghosts and centuries old perverts. Was school, this day was no exception.

"Ah, Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!" Ranma blurted.

"Um, what is it now Ranma? Forget to do your homework again?" Akane asked as the trio, of two Tendo girls, and the Saotome neo-girl walking through the hallowed halls of Furinkan high school.

"No! I realized it's Wednesday!" Ranma said in a huff as the two girls proceeded to their class room, and Nabiki went off to hers, though thinking that the transmitter 'bug' in Ranma's school pack was worth every yen.

"…uh, yeah, so what about it? Akane replied.

"Duh, dummy! We have phys-ed on Wednesdays!" Ranma said exasperatedly.

"Ah-huh, you've lost me, how's this a major problemme worthy of swearing again?" Akane said dryly.

"Right now I'm still a girl! I'll have to go into the girls' locker room and change in there into girls gym clothes, then do the girls type phys-ed!" Ranma protested.

"Gee, lucky you" Akane said dryly.

"Don't you get it Akane? They all already know I'm really a guy! One foot in there and they'll kill me for being perverted or somethin'!. I wish I had gotten a note from Dr. Tofu this morning or something….." Ranma said dejectedly.

"Ranma… you perverted? Perish the thought" Akane said sarcastically, though finding something quite humorous in the situation.

"Seriously Akane, I need your help, can you vouch for me or somethin'? I'm beging you!" Ranma pleaded. Then turned on her '_I'm the cutest little thing since puppies and bunnies_' face complete with her hands under her chin. Usually reserved for scamming free food.

Akane though HAD to wonder were the pink tinged mist, or bouquets of flowers hanging in midair defying the laws of physics had come from… odd…

Akane sighs in defeat and says. "Well, I guess I can, and then I can probably convince Nani and Hitomi to vouch for you as well. But don't think for a minute I won't be keeping an eye on you in there!" Akane said.

"Oh thanks Akane you're the best!" Ranma said with a smile so sweet it that could put '_widdle_'Azusa Shiratori into a diabetic coma, then continued "….But… while you're keeping an eye on me….Uh…. could you also keep an eye on the other girls in there? I really don't wanna get cought up in a fight with half-naked girls in the locker room right now." Ranma said then mentally added "…_or ever for that matter_".

"Uh……, sure!" Akane said a little unsure.

* * *

As the bell tolled signaling Ranma's execution, err gym class. As Ranma approached the lair of femininity, she just had to wonder to herself why she, best martial artist in Japan if not the world, and in inhumanly good physical condition had to go through phys-ed at all.

"Well, here goes nothing" Ranma said boldly as she flung open the girls locker room door and confidently strode in confidently.

That is until she bumped right into the tower of imposing female flesh that blocked her path. Sure, most people tower over Ranma, but outside of martial arts, just going about her business Ranma found this, for a change rather… intimidating.

"HEY! You're Ranma Saotome! What are you doing in the girls' locker room you pervert! Why I 'ought to kick your ass for coming in here!" Said boldly by Migumi a plain homely girl, one of Nabiki's friends (note 'hentchwoman' in the dictionary) and a general school bully.

"In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a girl too you know! I've got the c cups to prove it too, so I have every right to be here!" Ranma said with a confidence that really wasn't there and then a wink.

Migumi a bit taken aback by the forwardness of this… this redheaded bitch, and by the fact this boy turned girl had a better figure than hers shot back. "Why you… you… BAKA! GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE YOU HENTAI!" Migumi shouted, then really roughly shoved Ranma against a locker, raised her voice and shouted in Ranma's face every curse or put-down she knew. Several of which really struck deep in the redhead.

* * *

Akane hearing the single sided 'argument' from all the way out in the gymnasium proper, ran into the lockers and rushed through the mass of girls to where she saw Ranma backed up to a locker being screamed at by no other than Migumi.

"MIGUMI! What do you think you're doing?" Akane yelled at the older girl.

"This, this baka no hentai Ranma thinks he can come in here just cause he looks like a girl!" retorted Migumi still in a fury.

"Ranma right now is a girl Migumi, now you leave her alone! Go pester someone else!" Akane said hotly.

Seeing the fire building in Akanes eyes, Migumi relented. After all, she was bright enough to know that getting the young Tendo mad at you was detrimental to ones health.

"Okay, for now 'shes' allowed in here, but don't think I won't be watching you Ranma Saotome!" Migumi said as she walked back to her locker to finish dressing for class.

With the confrontation resolved, though Ranma was thinking to herself "_I coulda' handled her, I didn't need the tomboy's help!_', Akane spoke loudly to the remaining girls in the lockers.

"NOW EVERYONE! Listen here! For right now and the next few days, Ranma Saotome is a woman, just like every other woman in this room! I don't want to see her have any troubles with any of you! Is that understood? Plus, even when I'm not around, Nani and Hitomi will also be watching! And if I here of any thing, you'll have to answer to me!" Akane finished with a scowl. Then the crowd of girls backed down and went back to dressing. Knowing that '_Akane the man hater_' wouldn't be sticking up for Ranma without a GOOD reason.

"Geez Akane, I could've handled it, it's not like I'm an invalid or nothin'." Ranma said far more meekly than she had wanted.

"Oh yeah, you were handling it real well, when I got here, weren't you? You've still got a few tears on your cheak by the way" Akane said. Then continued "… will you be alright?" she said with concern.

"Uh, yeah I'll be alright, thanks. It's just sometimes right now, it's like my emotions are ridin' a roller coaster. Oh and Akane, for you know what you did there…. and….." with that Ranma trailed off with a mumbled "thanks".

Akane just nodded for several minutes after Ranma's description of a "emotional roller coaster, and decided to tread lightly with the neo-girl for next several days.

Then Akane noted a NEW look on Ranma, pale, and afraid?

"Ranma, what's wrong now?" Akane sighed. After all, a Ranma with PMS? How much weirder could the world get?

"I just realized, that girl Migumi….. she was topless, and just in lace panties. And I didn't feel a thing." Ranma said then paled further.

"So? She was topless, we're in the girls' locker room dummy, kind of the thing we do in here" Akane said as she began to undress.

"But Akane!... I'm a guy, I should've, you know, felt _something_!" Ranma whispered to Akane.

"Oh Ranma, you're a girl right now, right? Well girls don't feel that way about other girls. ('_well that's normally the case anyway_' Akane thought) Just leave it at that and don't think about it. I'm sure that once you're a guy again you'll once again get all sorts of perverted thrills" Akane said wryly.

"hardy har har……. Hey watcha doing!" Ranma shouted, noting Akane's almost total nakedness in only panties.

"You dummy, getting changed for phys-ed class, which is what you should be doing if we're not going to be late!" retorted Akane. "here are some gym shorts and a shirt I got for you earlier from the school shop." Akane said throught the attire to the shorted redhead.

"Thanks Akane" Ranma said as she took the clothes then went to a W/C stall.

"What? Can't change clothes in front of me Ranma?" Akane said with a small (ever SO small) smirk.

"Naw, just gotta take care of something." Ranma said as she closed the door to the W/C.

Now inside the W/C "Well, here goes another first for me. My first whole box of tampons." With that Ranma bravely removed the plastic wrapping of the small box Kasumi had handed her day before yesterday.

* * *

"Yuk, being a girl really sucks sometimes." Ranma said with a sour face as she flushed the refuse and stepped out of the W/C in her gym attire. "And could these outfits be anymore revealing?... Geez, they call me a pervert, they really ought to be beating on the guy that thought it was a good idea for us to wear this get-up." Ranma grumbled as she left the locker rooms headed for the sporting fields.

* * *

"Ranma!". "Oh Ranma honey! Over here!" Said Akane and Ukyo. Despite common beliefe, the two were in fact friends and not just rivals for a certain you-know-who.

Turning to see who had called her, Ranma saw then walked over to where Akane and Ukyo were waiting for her.

"For a while hon we didn't think you were ever going to come out of there Ranma" Said Ukyo jokingly.

"Hey, Uc-chan. Yeah, kinda had to take care of a personal issue" Ranma said with a near nuclear powered blush.

The two girls noticed and looked at how Ranma the neo-girl was standing.

"Still not used to a tampon are you sugar?" Ukyo piped up.

Ranma shuddered slightly. And just said with more blush than before "No."

"Well, it'll get easier" Akane said as if trying to reassure Ranma.

"Now come on! Coatch wants us to run laps today. It'll be fun!" Ukyo said trying to keep Ranma from into a funk.

"Well, now that's something I can do with the best of 'em!" Ranma said boldy and britened up as if regaining her confidence.

* * *

On the other side of the sports fields sat Kuno, the imperious Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School. His gaze never once leaving his pigtailed girl. "_Ranma Saotome_" he verbally corrected himself.

"Even with your revelation, I love you dearly still. You move like Diana on the hunt, with gracefulness and joyous beauty abounding. Oh what to do!" Kuno said quietly to himself.

"Doest mine love for ye Ranma, wither on the vine like so much a sweat ripe grape? Nay, need this not be the case? Surely the scamp loves me dearly. She flees and scorns my advances, to lure me… obviously. YES! Most obviously she's infatuated with me! And yet she is also a he………. My mortal nemesis in taking the hand of Akane Tendo. Non-the-less. A problemme I must remedy." Kuno paused his long winded diatribe to watch the pigtailed beauty as she sped through the track.

"She is simply magnificent" Kuno said before he was knocked out by a stray football from the football fields.

"Guys, I think we just knocked out Kuno" said the captain of the rugby team.

"Quick! Run before he wakes up!" said the team as they fled back into Furinkan.

Moments later, Kuno arose from his impromptu, cranial trauma induced nap time.

"I have it! As if by devine inspiration by the gods, I have it! I shall use one of my twisted sister Kodachi's potions to get Ranma to marry me! Once married to me she can't not marry the fair Akane, then Akane can be my first concubine!" Kuno cackled maniacally.

Truly, the working mind of a Kuno is really a sight to behold.

* * *

"What the heck is wrong with Kuno-honey?" Ukyo said to Ranma as she pointed to the laughing lunatic kendo club captain.

"Knowing him, he's just finished cooking up a crazy sceme to date me or something" Ranma said, adding "I think I'd better keep my distance from him for now."

"Agreed!" said Akane, Ukyo, Nani, and Hitomi.

"Alright girls! Good practice, especially to Ranma with perfect times. Now hit the showers girls!" bellowed the girls' phys-ed coach.

"Sssshhowers!" Ranma stuttered out in fear of hot water.

"Yes Ranma, you know, where water cleans off the dirt and sweat?" Akane said plainly. Adding, "Look on the bright side"

"What's that?" Ranma asked quizzically.

"In the showers filled with naked girls, the hot water won't turn you into a guy… so you'll get to continue breathing." Akane said followed by a laugh.

"You're right, oh I just give up. Let's go to the showers and get it over with." Ranma grumbled irritatedly.

* * *

"Nabiki, you go on home ahead of us, Ranma, Ukyo and I are going to go do a little after-school shopping" Akane shouted to her older sister.

"Fine, don't have to tell me twice" Nabiki said and continued home to the Tendo residence.

"Okay Ranma-honey, you ready to go shopping as a girl for girl things now?" asked Ukyo.

"As ready as I'll ever be. Just can we please skip things with laces and bows... PLEASE!" Ranma pleaded.

"Oh, I don't know Ranma, you DO look awefully cute in lace and bows!" Akane mocked.

"hardy har har, now lets go or the mall will be closed!" Ranma said, then grabbing the two other girls wrists began walking.

Once in the mall Akane and Ukyo set out their little plan of "Akane and Ukyos: LET'S EMBARRAS RANMA!"

Oddly, Ranma didn't notice the banner that said just as much, or the two girls in question strike dramatic poses.

* * *

The "plan" didn't quite work like the two had expected though.

"Ooo, Akane, how does this dress look from behind and does it go with these shoes?" Ranma cooed while trying to see her butt in the three-fold mirror. Not that she was self-concious of how she looked or nothin'. Certainly not that.

Akane nearly having to hold back her laughter, reassuringly said "Yes Ranma the shoes match, and it's very pretty on you too." Though she did giggle softly.

"Akane, I think we've created a monster" Ukyo said jokingly as she nudged Akane with her elbow, also softly giggling.

"I know, dad's gonna' have a fit when he sees how much we've bough for Ranma." Akane said as she looked back at all the bags from various stores.

"Okay Ranma, there's one more shop we need you to visit for some much needed necessities." Akane said with a strait face, but inside was laughing her ass off.

"Oh really, what kind of shop?" Ranma asked with a bright smile. Without the pressure from "Auntie" Saotome to be more womanly, shopping was rather fun, Ranma found out.

"Oh, you'll see sugar when we get there" Ukyo said with a mischievous grin.

As the girls approached the shop, Ranma noticed how different it looked compared to all the other shops in the mall. It was a bright pink store front with banners in frilly English script as advertisers.

"Okay, Ranma-honey! We're here!" Ukyo giggled.

"Uh, what's the name of this place again? I've never noticed it here before."

"Oh, well, it's a pretty new store, it's called Victoria's Secret it's a chain from the United States." Akane said.

"Oooo, sounds nice and expensive, but um, what is it they sell here?" asked Ranma.

"Lingerie!" Both Akane and Ukyo beamed.

"NO! Absolutely not, no way, no how! I ain't buyin' no frilly girls lingerie!" was Ranma's defiant protest.

"Look here Ranma, ever since you came to live with us, you've been borrowing mine and my sisters lingerie when in your girl form. Now lingerie in a personal thing, and we're all tired of you needing to borrow it so often. So we're going to take you in there, and you're going to buy some things of your own. Understand?" Akana said firmly.

"Alright, but I'm not liking this!" Ranma said in defeat.

"You'll change your mind afterward Ranma-honey." Ukyo said with a wink.

* * *

Once in the shop Akane and Ukyo 'convinced', that is dragged Ranma up to the nearest sales lady.

"Hello! Welcome to Victoria's Secret, is there anything I can help you ladies find today?" said the busty middle-aged, but still quite attractive, conservatively dressed saleswoman from behind a rack of lace nightgowns noticing the three school girls that has just stepped in.

"Hi-ya! Our friend here was raised by her dead-beat father and has no nice lingerie, so we need to get her the full works if we can!" Ukyo beamed.

"Plus what-ever else you can think she might need, too!" Akane added, then smirked at the now blushing Ranma who all she could do was look at the floor.

"Miss, what's your name?" asked the saleswoman, who by now was standing next to Ranma.

"My name? I'm Ranma." She said, still looking at the floor.

"Never done this before have you?" asked the saleswoman.

"Uh… nope, it's all too weird." Ranma replied.

"It'll get better sweetie, now look at me, we're going to get you measured up now. Okay?" said the saleswoman with a smile.

"Okay" Ranma said.

With that the saleswoman took Ranma into the back fitting room.

"Now hold still while I take your measures…" after several minutes of fumbling with the tape measurer the sales-lady exclaimed in surprise "... Oh my, 36-28-30, you're quite a curvy girl for your height and age." said the saleswoman.

The saleswoman noticing Ranmas cheaks were almost as red as her hair decided to try and ease the girl by changing the subject as she went about selecting items.

"I really like your red hair, it's a very good dye job. Where do you get it done?"

"Huh, my hair?" asked Ranma a little thrown off by the question.

"It's natural, I don't dye it, and Akane's big sister Kasumi is the one that cuts it. Why do you ask?" Ranma said.

"Oh, no reason I guess. But you say you're a natural redhead?" asked the saleswoman

"Yes." Ranma said unsure of why this woman found her hai so interesting. After all it's just hair.

"So you're not entirely Japanese I take it?" the saleswoman said while holding various articles up to ranma to check for fit.

"Naw, I'm all Japanese. My, err, um mom has slightly red hair, but not as red as mine though. In fact pops and mom are so Japanese that when pops took me on a training journey, mom had him sign a seppuku packt." Ranma said slightly unnerved that she divulged that to a stranger.

"Oh, my, a seppuku packt you say? How old fashioned and romantic. And um, what kind of training did your father take you on, if you don't mind my asking?" the saleswoman said as she began to do some final fittings on a brassier.

"Oh, my training? When I was 6 he took me on a 10 year training mission through all the orient to learn our families' school of Anything Goes martial arts so I can carry it on." Ranma said, now more comfortable hardly blushing at all.

"So you're a real martial artist? I think I'll get some other things for you for that that'll give you more support. So are you any good?" asked the saleswoman.

"Well, I've never lost a fight, even with the masters of some of the strangest martial arts schools you could imagine. Plus I can beat up the old man!" Ranma said now actually smilling for the saleswoman. Of course Ranma left out the epic fights with Taro, Toma and Herb.

"I'm glad to hear that, sounds like your father deserves it too!" with that Ranma and the saleswoman laughed.

"Well, you're all done Ranma. You're now completely stocked with all the essentials, like brassieres, panties, a few slips, stocking-hose, garters, and for your art, sports bras. Now here's my card, if there's anything else you ever need, like if you meet a boyfriend and want things for the thrill. Don't hesitate to give me a call. Okay?" the saleswoman said with a wink and a grin, once again putting ranma's cheaks into full red blush.

Ranma glances at the name on the card.

"Thanks Mrs. Fujiko LupinIII, this has been better than I thought." With that Ranma gently hugged the Mrs. Fujiko.

* * *

Just as Ranma left the fitting area and as Mrs. Fujiko was picking-up. A green-haired women walked in from around the corner.

Fujiko "EEPED!" as she was startled and said still rattled "SETSUNA! Don't do that! You scared me!"

Setsuna waved her hands and said "Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to, it's just a… habit I have." she finished with a small smirk.

Fujiko all but glared at her green-haired friend then said "So you always say, so what brings you in today? Looking for something special for some one?" Fujiko finished with a suggestive wink.

"No, today I'm just…. Looking about. Oh and say… did I hear you call that girl 'Ranma'." Setsuna asked.

"Hmm, oh yeah, nice girl if a bit shy. Why do you ask?" was Fujiko's reply.

"Oh, no reason I guess." Setsuna said with a smirk, bordering on a smile.

And anyone that KNEW the Senshi of Pluto would've probably decided to vacate the area… immediately. post haste.

Though she thought to herself '_hmm, she was here, good it's all coming together. Now it's 'her' turn._'

Again, had any one that knew Sailor Pluto been around to see her giggling, they would've known true fear.

* * *

"So Ranma, what all did you get?" asked Akane as she walked up to where Ranma had exited the fitting room.

"The full works!" Ranma beamed, then pulled out and held up a bright purple lace brassier.

"Akane, is this still the same Ranma?" Ukyo whispered to Akane.

"I have no idea Ukyo, I wonder what that saleswoman said to her in there." Akane wipsered back to Ukyo, both noticing the big smile on the redheaded girl's face that stood right in front of them.

"What are you two looking at? Do I have something on my face?" asked Ranma.

"Oh, us? Nothing, really Ranma, like we'd really be looking at something." Akane said lamely.

Ranma a little perplexed by Akane's answer just shrugged it off as another "Akane moment".

"Say, look at the time, we'd all be getting back, it's pretty late" stated Ranma.

"EEEEEKKKKK! It's 9:30, on a school night, and I still haven't gotten home to do my homework! See you two tomorrow in class!" said Ukyo as she bolted off to home/shop.

"Well we'd probably start back now too before dad and Mr. Saotome freak out." Akane said.

"Yeah, you're right, but we just lost a bag carrier, how are we going to get all this junk back home?" Ranma asked Akane.

"WE? WE aren't going to carry it all home. Ranma, YOU'RE going to carry it all home." Akane said back to Ranma.

"AH MAN!" was Ranma's protest.

"You wish!" Akane said with a laugh.

"Cute, real cute Akane." Was Ranmas retorte.

* * *

Later that evening Nerima was filled with the sound of a demon-head Mr. Tendo admonishing Akane and Ranma for staying out so late….. until he learned that they'd only spent a nice night out shopping. Then "_fountain-san_" wailed about how the two schools would soon be joined!

All was right in Nerima…. Sadly it wouldn't last.

T/B/C!


	3. chap 3 Maybe its friday the 13th?

:Disclaimer: All chatacters in the following fiction are the sole property of their respective copy write holders. That may include, but is not limited to Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ studios and filming agents, and that guy that got Mrs. Takahashi's coffee this morning, etc. I'm merely barrowing them, if you think otherwise, you should begin looking for a good psychiatrist.

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 3: revised**

* * *

For a change of pace this bright and sunny morning in Nerima, Soun Tendo patriarch and over emotional fool of the Tendo dojo, wasn't wracked by tears as he greeted the gaijin delivery man and his overloaded hand-lorry(1) at the front gate.

"Oh wonderful day! It's finally arrived! Soun said nearly overjoyed. "Please, please bring it inside the house gait" he added to the delivery man, pointing to the large nearly man-sized wood barrel and gesturing for the man to follow.

"Oh, what a surprise it'll be for Ranma to know that his father and I arranged this pre-wedding gift for him! Now where'd I put that hand-lorry to get this thing inside that house?" Soun said as he walked back to the house leaving the man and his lorry to their task. Though, Soun had to wonder why that gaijin man would've had such an unusual set of three tattoos on his face. Meanwhile Loki just grinned and set down down his cargo, _just so_.

* * *

Nerima, in case you didn't already know should be noted for having, shall we say, '_overly_ _enthusiastic_' high powered martial artists, that'll seeming start large scale, property damaging fights with little to no provocation and over the silliest of things too boot. What follows is not exception.

"Hohohoho, I Kodachi the black rose of Saint Habereke high school and champion of Martial Rythmic Gymnastics shall not permit you two harridans to approach my dearest Ranma-sama with your inferior comestibles!" Kodachi haughtily stated as she whipped at Ukyo and Shampoo with her twirling razor ribbon.

"Why you little rat nosed bitch! Ranma-honey loves, you hear that LOVES, my Okinomiaki! None finer in all of Japan!" an ever defiant Ukyo said as she sent a barrage of spatu-kens(2) at the girl. Which sadly (from Ukyo's perspective) Kodatchi deflected with a club.

"Aiya! and Ranma too too love much Shampoo's special ramen! Ranma will eat lunch Shampoo make, and not junk from spatula-girl and crazy-bitch!" beamed the bubbly voice of Shampoo as she lunged at both other girls with her Bonbori maces, ready to 'remove the obstacles'.

"My Ranma, ingest either of your foul creations! Hohoho! He will find my offering of the finest French cuisine available far better than your pathetic offerings! And then he will be mine for our wedding bed!" Kodatchi said with a girlish blush as a hurricane of black roses and wood-clubs engulfed the other two girls.

"WEDDING BED!" Ukyo and Shampoo blurted out in outrage.

Ukyo adding. "Ranma-honey doesn't even like you, you loon! What makes you think he'd marry you of all people!" Ukyo said as she cut through the air with her big-ass battle spatula where Kotachi _had_ been standing.

Before Kodatchi could answer she was cut-off by an enraged Akane.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BITCHES DOING HERE!" said the violent tomboy as she stormed up to the other girls.

"We have too too big fight to decide who get honor to fead Ranma, what weak Akane girl do here? You no in good fight." Shampoo said. Bubbly of course.

"WHAT AM I DOING HERE! I LIVE HERE YOU IDIOTS, YOU'RE IN MY FRONT YARD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Akane screamed at the three interlopers.

"Oh, what do you know? I guess we fought our way all the way to Ranma-honey's house" Ukyo said slightly embarrassed as she sheathed her battle spatula and took in her location.

"Then we have no win in fight, who special special lunch Ranma eat?" Shampoo said to the other girls.

"Hohoho, Final death of course, last one standing, obviously." Kodatchi stated.

"Agreed!" said Ukyo and Shampoo readying for their own attacks.

"WAIT! This is my house Ranma's going to eat what I make her and that's final! NOW LEAVE!" demanded an increasingly angered Akane.

"Sorry hun, but you're food is lethal, we'll just finish this up and Ranma will get the victors lunch!" Ukyo shot back to Akane.

"Fine by me then! I'll just have to beat you all, then Ranma will have the lunch I've made for her!" Akane said. And before the other three girls could laugh at Akane's statement, she was off with a spinning jump 4 meters in the air and started a flying kick towards Shampoo.

Countering this Shampoo, instead of bothering to use her bonbori, grabbed a nearby, conveniently placed giant wood barrel and flung it at Akane. As the barrel left her hands and began its ballistic accent towards the violent-girl, time seemed to freeze for Shampoo and in an instant Shampoo saw the shipping label from China and two very bold words, 'Jusenkyo Nannichuan'. Barely audible Shampoo mumbled an "OH- NO."

Precious seconds later Akaneusing her leading foot, easily broke the barrel into thousands of pieces and was a washed in it's contents.

Surprised, dazed and slightly tingling? Akane broke her attack at the purple-haired Amazon and landed… ungracefully on her butt with a thud.

"_Why do I feel so odd all of a sudden?_" Akane thought to herself.

With the thud of Akane to the ground, the other girls stopped their fight and stood in a dumbfounded shock, starring at Akane…. Or at least the person they thought was Akane.

There sitting in a quickly evaporating puddle of Nannichuan water, in a school dress uniform in taters and shreds was what could easily be called a near mirror image of male-type Ranma. With but one exception, this man, had fiery red hair just like woman-type Ranma.

"Aaaa-Akane, iiiisss thattt you?" Ukyo said with a stuttering tremble in her voice.

"WHAT KIND OF DUMB QUESTION IS THAT?" Akane shouted before noticing her voice wasn't hers.

"Akane weak girl become b…." started to say Shampoo, but was cut-off by Ukyo.

"Akane, I'm so so so sorry,…… but……. you've changed" Ukyo said with remorse in her voice.

"I've changed?" Akane unsurely restated, again noticing her voice.

"Hohoho! Akane, you've switched sides!" Kodatchi blurted with a laugh, while seemingly understanding the transformation to a "T".

After several moments Akane realized what she meant, and slipped 'her' hand down her skirt and went into a paled state of shock when she found the impossible there.

* * *

Hearing the usual, ho-hum, commotion suddenly stop, Ranma decided to go see what had happened _THIS_ time, expecting to see the usual.

As she rounded the corner of the house she saw Ukyo, Shampoo, and Kodatchi all standing next to each other, the two former girls stammering and begging for forgiveness, while the later, the being Kodatchi obviously found something VERY funny as she was laughing even more insanely than ever. "_Now that's especially weird_" Ranma though to herself.

Then she noticed the shards of a wood barrel, stuck to one of the largest shards was the label. " Too: Genma and Ranma Saotome, From: China Jusenkyo Committee. Contents: Waters of Jusenkyo Nannichuan. DANGER!"

"Oh no!" Ranma mumbled to herself, picking up speed to see what had happened.

There on the scene, Ranma saw a red haired man with a 'tomboy' style haricut, soaking wet but drying quickly, in the remnants of a girls school uniform, with his hand down the front.

Being the exceptional martial artist she/he was, in the blink of an eye, Ranma knew EXACTLY what had happened, That this time the other girls had gone too far! Their petty fighting had gotten Akane cursed, and that that man sitting there, was Akane. Ranma also knew, that she didn't care which bore the blame for this, but that they were all going down for this!

Before the three girls could react further, they saw a onna-Ranma with murder in her glowing eyes, and a bright red battle aura extending out in all directions from the fighter as she took a stance they all knew too well, with her hands cupped at her chest.

"NOW YOU'VE ALL GONE TOO FAR! NOW YOU DIIIIIE!" Ranma barked, and before the girls could respond, Ranma shot a blast of angry red energy larger and nearly unrivaled in magnitude from her previous ki-blasts at the girls. The energy tearing at their clothes and skin, sent them up in a ballistic arch and through several dozen concrete walls with a near unprecedented force and speed until they were on the other side of Nerima, disfigured and barely alive.

With Ranma's anger abated and once again restrained, goes to Akane.

"Akane? Akane, can you hear me? It's Ranma." She said calmly as she approached the neo-man.

"Akane, let's get you inside so you can rest. I'll stay with you. Everything will be alright" Ranma said reassuringly as she helped the still very dazed Akane to 'his' feet and supported him. And with that the two went inside where Akane promptly fainted.

* * *

"Genma, did you move that barrel that came earlier today?" asked an upset Soun Tendo.

"Nope" signed the panda Genma.

"Hmm, this is most odd, I wonder where it could've been moved to. Better get looking so we can surprise Ranma" said Soun.

"Right!" #flip# "Where do we start?" signed the panda-fide Genma.

"I don't really know. Maybe a short game of shogi will help us think of where to start?" said Soun.

With that the one man and one panda went back to their game inside.

Though, in a tree overlooking the house, sat a very small white haired doll-like thing, otherwise known as a 'mini-Urd', shaking her head trying to understand how two adult mortals could be so profoundly stupid.

* * *

"HUH! Wha-!" Akane blurted out as she shot upright in bed in a cold sweat.

"Oh thank goodness it was all just a bad dream. Oh, when I get my hands on those three though, they're in for such a beating just to show them how good I really am! But how did I get in here in bed, and why's it so dark?" Akane said curiously to herself.

"Oh good, you're awake, I was getting a little worried about that." Boy Ranma said as he stepped into the room.

"Ranma, you're a guy again!" Akane said enthusiastically.

"Yeah, happened earlier at dinner." Ranma replied slightly embarrassed at the memory of changing while in a school dress at the table.

"At dinner? How long have I been asleep, and how did I get in bed and undressed? You didn't do anything perverted did you Ranma, did you?" Akane said accusingly.

"What, you really don't remember what happened? #sigh# Oh, and I was a girl when I took you out of those wet ripped clothes, so it wasn't perverted or nothin'" Ranma said pointing to the shredded dress laying in a heap on the floor.

"Oh, well, all I remember is Ukyo, Shampoo, and Kodatchi fighting in our yard for your supper, then Shampoo threw a barrel at me which I broke. Then nothing much after that." Akane said calmly, though worried... about something…

"Is that all you can remember Akane?" Ranma asked with a questioning worry in his voice.

"ah-huh" Akanse said with a nod.

"Well Akane, I'm not certain how to say this….."

(ranma in hails deeply)

"…Akane, that was Jusenkyo cursed water in that barrel. You're been cursed to change."

Ranma said bluntly, and waited for that to sink in for Akane.

"I I I I, change? Like you? I'm afraid to ask, but into what?" Akane said in a small trembling voice.

"A man, you could be mistaken for my brother even" Ranma said bluntly again, not seeing the need to mince words.

"Aaaaaa MAN!"Akane said as she realized her bad dream had just become her living nightmare.

"Yes Akane, a man, but I'll…." Before Ranma could continue Akane had run out of her room and right into the bathroom.

"_It's gotta be a lie, yeah, he's just lying to me. I'll just splash myself with cold water and prove that that baka is just lying to me._" Akane thought to herself as she ran into the bathroom.

#_splash_#

"No, it can't be, it just can't be" Akane said as he studied the face and body in the mirror that was not "hers".

"That jerk was right, I'm, I'm a guy" Akane groaned out load as he looked in the mirror and took in the sigh of a man that could be Ranma's brother or cousin even, if it weren't for the red hair.

"Akane, may I come in?" Ranma said as he slowly rapped on the door.

"Go away this is your fault!" Akane shot back.

"Akane, please, I want to help." Ranma said gently, then hearing the sobbing came in anyways.

"Oh Ranma! What am I ever going to do like this?" Akane said as he fell into Ranma's arms sobbing slightly.

"There, there now, it'll be alright. You get used to it." Ranma said awkwardly while patting his new male fiancés back.

"Oh, like you got used you it?" Akane said, then broke away and splashed Ranma with the cold in the sink causing him to changer to her.

"Hey what'd you do that for!" shouted Ranma to Akane.

"So you get used to it huh?" Akane said, now crying and trembling visably.

"I'm sorry Akane, you just caught me off guard's all. I didn't mean to shout at you. As I was saying though, you do get used to it. For the first year, I was on my own with a gender changing curse, never knowing what was up, or what was down. I was so confused that I was in denial…. But look at it this way; you won't have as hard a time as I had." Ranma said reasureingly t othe neo-man.

"Oh, now why's that?" Akane said wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I'll be your sensei! You won't be going through this alone like I had to!" Ranma said reassuringly with a brilliant smile. But Akane just had to wonder why that smile made him feel… _funny_.

"But I don't want to go though it all!" Akane groaned then began sobbing more.

"Oh Akane, it's a part of you now, but I'm here to help you through it all, you won't be alone in this." With that said Ranma walked over and hugged Akane pressing tightly against the new man Akane.

After several minutes of this tight embrace Akane spoke up "Uhhh, Ranma?"

"Yes Akane?" replied Ranma looking up into Akane's new face.

"Um, could you stop that? I'm feeling, um… err, weird." Akane replied with a blush.

"Weird? How-so?" Ranma said confused, then felt something firm brush up against her stomach.

Ranma looked down a bit.

"Oh my, Akane, I knew you liked me after all!" Ranma said with a lewd smirk, making Akane blush more.

"It's not like that you pervert" Akane said softly.

"I'm joking Akane, you can't help it, trust me I know what it's like. I guess in my current form I shouldn't of hugged you so tightly." Ranma said.

"….#blush#…." was Akane's reponse.

"Well, Akane, we'd better change back and get some sleep, tomorrow we're going to begin you training on how to handle your curse."

Akane smiled, dried tears on his cheaks with the back of his hand, then nodded.

"Akane, one other thing, tomorrow morning, we need to tell everyone about this" Ranma said plainly as she turned on the hot tap.

"Do we really have to?" Akane pleaded as he stuck his hands under the hot tap and became a girl again.

"YES, and that's your sensei's orders. Trust me, it'll be better if you tell them openly and upfront, instead of them just finding out on their own. Now let's go to sleep, you've had a big day, and will have a bigger one tomorrow." Ranma said sternly.

With that the two went off to their rooms for the remainder of the night. Sleep though, was the last thing on their minds.

* * *

Another day, another curse'ee:

"So Akane, how do the new clothes feel?" asked male Ranma.

"Well, the drawstring pants and shirt are alright I guess, but do I have to wear boys' briefs underwear?" Akane said gesturing to her attire of Ranma's light blue blouse and black pants.

"Oh, trust me; you really don't want to be wearing girls underwear if you change into a man. There's quite a bit of pain in that." Ranma said with a wince.

"Oh, I see, ouch." Akane replied with a wince of her own.

"But what about a bra?" Akane added.

"Well, that's why you'll want spandex type sports bras, they'll expand with you when you change, and aren't noticeable on a guys body." Ranma replied from experiance.

"…Oh, I see…" Akane said and nodded.

"Well, for your first lesson, evading unseen cold water sources." Ranma said, then pulling a rope unleashing hidden buckets of water from the ceiling down around Akane in the dojo.

"Ahhhhh!" Akane shouted as she back flipped away from the water splashing around her.

"Not too bad." Ranma said with a smile.

"But you missed one" Ranma said pointing up, with a face-splitting smile.

With that Akane looked up to see where Ranma was pointing and was doused with cold water.

"HEY! That's no fair!" Akane shouted as he began to wring out his shirt.

"That's the point. You never know where water might come from. And it's seldom fair." Ranma said, adding. "That's why you need to be aware of your surroundings, or you'll get soaked." He said still smiling at Akane.

"Hmm, I guess I see your point." Akane grumbled and conceded the point.

"You ready for the next step?" Ranma said, then Akane nodded.

"Good! Now you've got a minute to find the kettle with hot water." With that Ranma pulled another rope and 20 kettles landed on the floor from the rafters of the dojo.

"ONLY A MINUTE?" Akane shouted.

"Yep, better hurry, 42 seconds." Ranma said dryly looking at the stop-watch.

Then Akane leapt into action dumping as many as she could, cold, cold, cold, cold. ALL COLD! Then he noticed the only one without condensation, grabbed it then dupped it's steaming contents on himself, become a her.

"Very good! 92 seconds, not bad for a first try." Ranma said with a smile. Adding "We'll still need to work on your speed though. You'll never know how fast you'll need hot water." Ranma said, also from experience.

"Ranma…" Akane ventured then asked "… why don't we you know, just carry a thermos of hot water or something?"

Ranma though about that then said "Well, I've tried, but the water always cools down fast, or finds ways to BE cooled down. So good idea, but sadly #sigh# it doesn't work."

"_Darn!_" Akane thought to herself.

"Okay, what's next for the training?" Akane asked Ranma.

Ranma sniffing the air. "Well, I think now we go have some breakfast."

* * *

"Kasumi, would you pass me the pickles?" Asked the human vacuum Genma.

"oh certainly" she replied politely while passing the pickles. Then noticed the two late comers to the table.

"Oh, Akane Ranma, where've you been? Your breakfast has been getting cold. Kasumi beamed to the two now taking their seats side by side.

"Oh, Ranma was just giving me some special training." Akane replied to her sister with a smile.

"Hey Sis', why are in Ranma's clothes, and why are you all wet?" quipped Nabiki with a smirk.

"It's part of the training." Ranma replied to Nabiki's remark.

"Really Ranma? What kind of _training_ are you giving my daughter?" asked a large looming figure of Soun.

"Oh dad, dad! It's nothing like that!" Akane said waving her hands defensively.

"Well, come on M'boy, what kind of training have you been giving Akane, Hmm?" demanded Genma.

With that Ranma nudged Akane and said. "Akane, it's time to tell them."

"Tell us what, exactly?" asked a still large looming Soun.

"#sigh# Where to begin. Well yesterday Ukyo, Shampoo, and Kodatchi came by in a fight over Ranma's supper. I was mad, really mad, so I started to fight too. Then shampoo threw a barrel at me, which I broke…." Akane said and then was cut off by Soun and Genma.

"A BARREL?" the two men bellowed in shock.

"Yeah, I guess I broke right through it." Akane said rather sheepishly.

"Thing is, it was filled with Jusenkyo Nannichuan." Akane said, and with that dumped a glass of water on her head triggering the change to a he.

The whole table, minus Ranma, gasped at the change of Akane from small black haired girl, to large red haired man.

"MY DAUGHTER'S BECOME A MAN!" Soun "_fountain-san_" shouted as his waterworks of weeping began.

Nabiki was the first to speak intelligently "Wow, sis' I had no idea. So, how's it feel?" she saod with a smile.

"Weird." Was Akane's only reply as he found that smile of Nabiki's…. unnerving.

"MY LITTLE GIRL HAS BECOME A MAN" shouted Soun now running around the table hysterically.

"So M'Boy, you still haven't answered our question as to what kind of training you two were doing!" Genma shouted with a smirk.

"Get your mind out of the gutter old man!" Ranma said as he planted his foot squarely in Genmas face.

"If you wanna know that bad, it's '_man_' and '_gender curse_' training for Akane so she's not having to figure it all out on her own like I did." Ranma blurted.

"Oh my." Kasumi said before pulling out a flask from her apron and taking several quick nips.

"Well well, Akane look on the bright side this." Nabiki said to Akane.

"Oh, what's the bright side to this Nabiki?" Akane replied tensely.

"You and Ranma are now a perfect matched set!" with that said Nabiki tossed out her iced tea onto Ranma causing the change to a 'her'.

Ranma and Akane, blink-blinked then smiled at each other, and before Ranma could speak, Akane blurted.

"I guess we really are, aren't we Ranma?" Akane laughed, and all Ranma could do was nod in agreement.

"HAHAHAHA! NEVER A BORING MOMENT IN NERIMA!" Genma said laughingly.

"Shud'up you old fool!" Ranma said and with that both she and Akane launched the man into the koi pond.

"Oh dear, oh my, this is just too much, much too much" Kasumi said quietly before finishing off her flask of liquid obliviousness and passing out drunk on the table.

"Well come on Akane, we've still got training to do. Then maybe later we'll go shopping?" Ranma said cheerfully to Akane.

"Um…RIGHT!" was Akane-kuns hesitant reply, while thinking to himself "_why does the idea of shopping as a man with Ranma as a 'her' freak me out AND bore me?_".

That was a morning none of them would soon forget.

* * *

:authors note: 

-(1)-hand-lorry, aka, hand-truck, aka push-about.

-(2)-throwing stars are "shurinkens" right? Throwing spatulas' "spatu-kens" right?

T/B/C…!

---


	4. Chap 4, Hello WHO?

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 4: revised**

* * *

Woes in Nerima 4: two weeks post-curse.

In the early morning in a non-descript hospital on the far side of Nerima a nurse is heard calling for a doctor.

"Doctor, come quickly! Those three strange girls are awake!"

"Hmm, so I see, quite remarkable" he proclaimed in his lovely British accent viewing the three mysterious girls through the observation window. Adding, "Now let's see who they are". With that the Doctor opened the door to the shared room and strode in.

"Hello girls, how are our most mysterious patients doing this fine and lovely day!" the doctor boasted with a grin.

The three girls a bit confused at the question, glanced at each other and said in stereo. "We're fine."

"Well, that's certainly a surprise. When you three burned, battered, and broken girls landed on our door-step we didn't think any of you'd live through the night. But here you are, a short two weeks later, and you're not even scratched! Unbelievable." Boasted the doctor, then thinking to himself "_this IS Nerima after-all, the city of the unbelievable_."

"TWO WEEKS!" the three shouted back at him in stereo.

#cough# "Yes girls two weeks, but you've recovered remarkably well. In fact, if you can tell me who you are and who to contact, you can be discharged now if you'd like."

Shampoo was the first to introduce herself. "Me is Shampoo, too too good grandmother is at Nekohanten café." The bubbly blue-haired girl beamed

"Oh, yes, I'm quite familiar with that café and Kohn-Lon." The doctor replied to the bubbly, yet ditzy Chinese girl.

Kodachi started before Ukyo could "And I'm the black rose Kuno Kodachi of the noble house of Kuno, charmed I'm sure." She said with a head-bow and arrogant, nearly deranged smile.

The doctor mused for a moment at the name Kuno that with an adjustment to her bill, he might just get that Lamborghini after all.

"And you miss?" the doctor asked, directing the question to the third girl.

"Oh me? I'm Ukyo Kuonji. But there's no one around here to call."

"Ah, I see." The doctor said with a concerned tone noticing how depressed this Ukyo girl looked.

"Well, if you three will excuse me, I'll make the calls and fill out the paper-work to get you three discharged before this afternoon." The doctor said with a small bow and started to head for the door before he was interrupted.

"Uh, doctor wait, we didn't get your name." a nearly pleading Ukyo said.

"Oh, I'm just The Doctor" he said with a smile in his charming British accent.

"But, Doctor Who!" an even more pleading Ukyo said.

And with that, The Doctor just smiled and boasted accenting his accent "Exactly right my dear!", he turned and left the room.

Shampoo and Kodatchi were raised out of their ponderings of their odd '_Doctor Who?_' by Ukyo.

"We've really, really messed up big this time. I mean we got Akane cursed!" Ukyo said with a sad look, adding. "As a man no-less. Akane the man-hater, turned into one, horrible." Ukyo said with a shake of her head.

"I Kodatchi did no such thing! It is you who threw the barrel!" Kodatchi said pointing an accusatory finger at the Amazon Shampoo.

"Me not do it on purpose! Anyway, it too too violent girl Akane fault too! All Shampoo want was give special Raman to airen!" Shampoo said, feeling quite vindicated.

"Hahahah, My Ranma, consume your greasy ramen? Hardly! He should've enjoyed my finest French cuisine!" Kodatchi said with maniacal laughter.

"Raman Shampoo make special for Ranma no greasy, you evil crazy girl!" Shampoo shot back at Kodatchi.

Before their argument furthered in violence Ukyo's voice of reason stepped in.

"GIRLS! Calm down! Don't you see that this kind of bickering is exactly what's caused this whole mess! Bickering like this not only got Akane cursed, but we've missed two weeks of our lives recovering from Ranma-honey's anger at what we've done this time!"

Realizing what she said was true, Shampoo and Kodatchi settled back down to reflect.

"Spatula-girl, err…. Ukyo is much much too right. We fight make too too big-time problemme. Now Ranma mad at us." Shampoo said, hanging her head in shame.

Quietly the three sat and reflected waiting to be discharged.

* * *

Meanwhile in the ridiculously large Kuno house underground laboratory/ level 5 classified bio-weapons locker, one Blue Thunder of Furinkan High School was heard cackling. Madly of course.

"I've done it! I've finally done it! Using my twisted sister's potions as a base, I've created the two most powerful love potions in existence! Hahahahaha!

With this 'powder of infatuation' I shall ensnare my pigtail… err my beauteous Ranma Saotome into a sensuous date with me! And with this potion of 'ever lasting love' she'll be mine forever! Hahahaha! Kuno cackled manically.

"Oh dear, sounds as if master Kuno is about to do something stupid…. _again_" Sasuke mumbled as he continued to rake the lawn. How'd he hear Tatewaki from no less than 5 levels of earth between them? School of Martial arts Eavesdropping, of course.

Though it is a pity that several pages of Kodatchi's notes regarding the more interesting affects of the chemicals Tatewaki used as bases were missing…

* * *

"So Akane, after our hiatus from school for your training, you think you're ready to go back to school cursed?" Ranma said walking on top a fence rail, careful not to snag her dress.

"I'm not so sure. Sure you've taught me a lot but I still feel like I've got a million butterflies in my stomach. But if you're willing to go as a girl, and in a uniform no-less, then I'm willing to go as a guy!" Akane said with proud defiance in his voice.

"That's the spirit! Oh and Akane, don't let any of those cute girls come after you! Or else it'll be my turn to use the pervert smasher mallet!" Ranma said half in jest with a wide smirk.

"Why you pervert! What makes you think I'd like girls chasing after me! I'm a girl dammit!"

"First of all, I though we agreed during the training that we're both. While you're a guy, you're not a girl. And when I'm a girl I'm not a guy." Ranma said sternly to correct her pupil.

"Well, that' true,…. alright, I'm a guy." Akane conceded with a deep sigh.

"Then Akane, not long ago you though I was going after men when a girl, even though I wasn't. So how does it feel to receive the same criticism you gave me… hmmm?" Ranma said accusingly.

"Not good" was his only reply with another even deeper sigh.

"Ranma, there is one thing I've been wanting to ask you since I got cursed." Akane said.

"Shoot." Ranma replied casually.

"Well, it's just I haven't seen Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodatchi since I got cursed. Do you know what happened to them?" Akane asked.

"Ah, haha, well, about them…..once I saw what happened…. I kinda' got mad…. And uh kinda blew them to the other side of Nerima." Ranma said with a feint nervous laugh.

"YOU WHAT?" Akane shouted at her.

"Well, yeah, they got you cursed and all, so I kinda just saw red. But they landed infront of a hospital, so I bet they're fine." Ranma said, adding silently to herself '_I hope they're fine._'

"Really, Ranma, you blasted them for what they did to me?" Akane said with hearts in his eyes. Though it be noted the act doesn't quite work so well in guy form.

"Ah-huh." Ranma confirmed with a nod.

"Come on, let's hurry up or we'll be late to school!" Ranma said grabbing Akane's much larger hand and they began to run.

* * *

"Ahahha! All little keiki 'dat not in before 'da school before 'da bell get 'da buzz-cut and top-not cut! Ahaha!" was the loud crazed rantings by the Kuno patriarch/ school principal, or as Ranma called him 'pineapple-brain'.

"Oh geez, last thing we needed today was him." Ranma said as the two cursed teens approached the school.

"Ahha, Ranma Saotome you've missed two weeks 'da schooling and now you're almost late! 'dis time 'dat pigtail is mine! And who's you keiki-kane (boyfriend)? Ahaha." Pineapple-brain maniacally cackled loudly with a wide grin.

"You loon! Ya ain't getting' my pigtail, and this here's Akane!" and with that Ranma threw herself into a flying kick at the principal.

"Naughty naughty keiki! Attacking 'da principal is against 'da rules! And Akane Tendo is a girl you naughty keiki make big-time lie!" the principal said as he launched a barrage of exploding pineapple bombs at the redheaded girl.

She dodged them easily and landed her round-about kick on the face of the principal.

"Hey pineapple brain, if ya weren't so crazy, you might listen to what I was sayin'!" Ranma said as she roundhouse kicked the deranged principal into a tree.

"Ah-hahaha, that's a naughty keiki!" he said as he removed his hide from the tree, then launched into a hair-clipper barrage attack.

By now the entire school body had gathered to watch Ranma give a special beating for their esteemed moron of a principal.

"You loon! Ask him yourself if you don't believe me! And for your rules…. they're more insane than you!" she said dodging the clipper strikes while pointing to Akane.

"Red haired boy keiki, what is 'da truth?" the principal asked, directing the question to Akane.

"Yeah you idiot, I got cursed like Ranma! Okay?" Akane angrily shouted back at the principal still weaving attacks against Ranma

Just then he realized the surrounding classmates whispering about him.

"_Can you believe it? Akane's a boy now!"_

"_Oh man, more sex-changing freaks!"_

"_Ah man, this shit is so cool!"_

"_I wonder if he's fucked his fiancée Ranma, yet? (chuckles)"_

"_Oh poor Akane, what did Ranma do to her…err him now."_

"…_Akane's… he's so hot!"_ followed by nosebleeds from the girls.

"_Oh no, not like this! I wanted to ease into it, but not like this not in front of everyone in a fight!_" Akane thought to himself clearly upset.

As unshed tears filled his eyes, only the sight of red flared rage filled his mind as he launched into an attack towards the deranged principal.

"You pathetic insane waste of a man!" Akane screamed at him, and with that proceeded with a kick, punch, knee to the groin, kick, punch combination that would've killed a lesser man, and with a final uppercut blow to the chin, Akane sent the principal into a low-earth orbit where he later landed in some hellish place the locals called France.

"…Akane are you…?" Ranma started to say as she tentatively walked closer to Akane.

"You baka stay back!" he shot back, trying to sound angry, but only conveying his sadness.

"But Akane… that was the best! I've never seen you move like that! You've really improved!" Ranma said with a grin from ear-to-ear sounding completely earnest.

"You really thinks so? I was good?" Akane said back in an unsure trembling voice.

"Ah-huh! Even I've never hit 'ol pineapple-brain so hard or so far away!" Ranma said cheerfully trying to ease the pain she still saw in Akanes eyes.

"But it doesn't matter! My secret still got out in the worst possible way! Listen to what they're saying about us! Just imagine what they're all thinking!" Akane said as he began to sob slightly more.

"Eh, who cares what they think? We came in our cursed forms to show them anyway didn't we? It just happened a little differently from how we planned is all."

"And Akane, look on the bright side…"

"What bright side?" he said trying to hold back his sobs as Ranma had told him in the training it wasn't manly.

"Well, look around" Ranma said pointing to the gathered school body. "You're now the new hero of Furikan high school! Thanks to you we won't have to put up with pineapple-brain for a while!" Ranma said to Akane, adding in a shout. "Furinkan high school, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?"

And with that Furinkan high schools staff and students erupted into cheers and applause to their savior, Akane Tendo, for sparring them (if even only temporarily) from the madness of the Principal Kuno.

"_all of that for me, for something I just did cause I was mad at the baka principal?"_ Akane though to herself.

"See Akane, it's already forgotten, you were great!" Ranma said as she ran up to Akane, then embraced Akane in lovingly reassurance.

"Oh Ranma…" was all Akane could manage to say before resting his head on top of the shorter girls head.

And at that sight the crowd of Furinkan once again erupted into more cheers, applause, some cat-calls, and a few shouts to go get a room. This of course caused the two cursed redheads to blush furiously and disengage their… rather passionate embrace.

"Hey, this is school! Not a peep-show! Everybody get back to your classes now!" Boomed the Assistant-Principal from a bull-horn whom nobody at Furinkan had ever seen before, as Principal Kuno usually had him chained-up in the sub-basement.

As the crowd quickly (stampeded) followed the orders of the Assistant-Principal. Ranma and Akane took their time to walk and talk.

"Did you really mean what you said back their Ranma. That I've really improved!" Akane said as faint smile grew on his face.

"Yeah, I wouldn't exaggerate on a thing like that, you've definitely improved!" Ranma said with another ear-to-ear smile, and before Akane could speak, Ranma leaned up and planted a kiss on Akane. Ranma not being the best kisser in the world, it was at best a poor excuse for a kiss, but still managed to surprise Akane. The two disengaged and blushed even more furiously than before as they walked into Furkinkan to their classes.

"_Akane's such a hunky hotty, and that hair (drool). Why the hell did I kiss him? Damn womans body giving me weird ideas."_ Ranma thought to herself over and over again in class still mildly blushing from said kiss.

"_My first kiss with a girl, and it was… with Ranma. She's so cute, and those tits (drool) . What? Did I really just think that?. Damn guys body giving me weird ideas."_ Akane thought to himself several times during class.

"_Why are those two so redheads so red and flustered? Are they even paying attention to my class? Well, this is Algebra II, I can't blame them if they didn't. Ah- young love."_ The teacher though to himself as he continued his speech on the use of exponents.

The rest of the school day went as usual, just the same old ghosts, jusenkyo cursed rivals picking fights, and panty thieves bursting in. Hey, it's Nerima after all, what else did you expect?

…To be continued…


	5. Chap 5, Thoughts, plans, recriminations

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 5: revised**

* * *

In the early evening at the NekoHanten (Cat Café) sat a VERY concerned Kon Lohn elder matriarch and de facto leader of the Chinese Amazons, as earlier she'd gotten a call from a hospital about the condition of her erstwhile great-great-great granddaughter and future successor Xian-Pu. However the phone call itself wasn't the source of her concern, but rather "WHO" had made the call.

#DAMN! What is that man up to now!# Cologne grumbled in chinese.

Dealings with this "Who" every hundred years or so had left Cologne wary of situations that he involved himself in.

The last incident involving him sometime after the first world-war had some how resulted in the creation of "Spring of drowned Godzilla". All these years later Cologne was STILL trying to figure how he managed to drown Godzilla in a Jusenkyo pool of water 3 meters wide and only one meter deep. Cologne though, still thought somewhat sadly to the only victim of that spring, a downed WW-2 Japanese fighter pilot. After returning to Japan the poor kid nearly destroyed all of Tokyo, just looking for a tea kettle. How tragic. Thus her concerns of situations he involves himself in and there results really are rather understandable.

Cologne was brought out of her reverie by the tinkling of the cafés door bell.

#Grandmother! Xian-Pu is home now!# She exclaimed happily from her wheel chair.

#Good to see you Xian-Pu… um, the Doctor said you were fine, so why are you in that thing?# asked a curious Cologne.

#Is stupid Mu Tsu's idea, he wouldn't let me even walk home like a wounded warrior shoud!# Shampoo grumbled with an all too cute pout.

#But Xian-Pu! I love you! After what Saotome did to you need your rest my love!# Mousse exclaimed as he pushed Shampoo the rest of the way into the café and up to the table were Cologne was seated.

#Shut up Mu Tsu or else I'm having Mu Tsu over for very special Muu-Shuu-Duck this evening!# Shampoo said a little too happily.

#OH XIAN-PU! You'd really make such a wonderful dinner for our date?# Mousse beamed, overjoyed.

#No, stupid Mu Tsu misunderstand, Mu Tsu not come to meal…. Mu Tsu _BE_ meal.# Shampoo said with a wicked cat like grin. Which was really quite good considering how much time she spent as a cat.

Mousse being a smart man that enjoyed simple things like… breathing wisely shut up.

Cologne chuckled at the antics of her successor and asked.

#Now Xian-Pu, can you now fill me in on the details of what happened 2 weeks ago that was so bad you and two others were a coma for the time? From Mu Tsu here I gather Son-in-law Ranma is somehow involved?#

Shampoo sighed deeply and said #Yes Grandmother, Airen did this, and I can't really blame him either. Xian-Pu, Spatula girl Ukyo, and Crazy girl Kodatchi all do too too bad thing, but mostly Xian-Pu's fault.# With that she looked very sadly to the floor.

#Xian-Pu, this sounds very serious, now explain to me what happened now!# Cologne said with authority.

And so Shampoo told her all the events of that day, how by some cosmic joke all three girls who were delivering food of some sort or another to Ranma had all run into each other along the way and began fighting for the right to feed Ranma, how brutal the fighting was, and it leading all the way to the Tendo compounds front yard… she paused.

#And then Akane violent girl come out yelling at us for fighting in their yard, I said something stupid to her, and we were about to finish the fight in a "sudden death", winner feeds Ranma… but Akane jumped in the fight and was aiming at me with a kick. I could've just deflected her kick.# Shampoo paused to stifle a light sob. # But I was acting rashly and just grabbed the nearest biggest thing and threw it at her, it was a sealed water barrel… shipped to Ranma… and it was filled with Nannichuan water!# Shampoo cried out.

#I see, and so, let me guess, Akane broke through the barrel you threw at her?#

Shampoo just nods.

#I haven't seen her or Ranma since a few days before this all happened. So she turns into a man eh?# Cologne said, but it wasn't a question.

Shampoo nods.

#Xian-Pu, so tell me, what does she look like as a "he"?# Cologne had to suppress the smile she was having of the idea of Akane the tomboy and the hater of all things male turning into a man herself.

#Well, I didn't get a too good look before Ranma well…. But Akane look very much like boy-type Ranma, could be brother or cousin even. Oh, but boy-type Akane hair is red very much like girl-type Ranma's hair.#

#Hmm, I'll have to look into this in more depth later. Now Xian-Pu, stand up, I wish to examine you. The healing result of that attack doesn't sound right at all.#

Shampoo stood as commanded, and Cologne using skill borne of more than 360 years of life peered into the very being of Shampoo, seeing the unseen and scrutinizing every aspect of it.

#Hmm, troubling# Cologne mumbled more to herself than anyone else.

#What? Is… is something wrong with me great-grandmother?# Shampoo asked a little bit more than scared.

#Hmm? Oh no, you're absolutely fine Xian-Pu. From what I see it looks as though son-in-law Ranma used the "Merciful Assassins Blast", a ki attack that later repairs what it has damaged. Interesting and worrisome that he knows it though. While not solely an Amazon technique, I don't know where he could've learned it. Certainly Happosai wouldn't have taught the boy something so dangerous.#

#It is very dangerous great-grandmother?#

Cologne whacked Shampoo over the head with her staff.

#Yes Xian-Pu. It is the "Merciful **ASSASSINS** blast" after all. The idea is to _nearly kill_ the subject and cause great amounts of physical pain, the attack also heals that damage, so the attacker can come back again to repeat the nearly killing and causing pain as many times as they want. The name though in case you guessed isn't terribly accurate, I fear after more than one or two of these attacks death would be more merciful.# Cologne said sadly.

Shampoo just shuddered at the thought that her beloved Ranma had used such an attack against her.

#MU TSU Come here!# Cologne bellowed.

#What is it ya old Mummy!# Mousse retorted as he walked in from the kitchen and stared at a houseplant.

Much to Mousse's and Shampoos surprise, Cologne didn't whack him with her staff, instead she just sighed and said.

#Mu Tsu, it's getting late, lock up the café, Xian-Pu still needs to rest some and I must meditate on these troubling turns of events.#

_# ' very troubling indeed, Ranma's knowledge and I fear Shampoo has finally lost Ranma. Shampoo made Ranma and Akane a perfect couple.'#_ Cologne thought sadly for her great great great granddaughter as she disappeared into her study for the night.

* * *

At the same time in the great depths of the Kuno mansion stood a very peeved Kodatchi.

The reason was the dismay and disordered state she found her precious lab in upon arriving home.

"SASUKE!" she bellowed, yet somehow managed to still sound elegant.

"Yes mistress?" the diminutive ninja said as he seemed to materialize before her eyes.

"Please explain the meaning of this?" with that said she made a grand sweeping hand gesture of the wreck of a laboratory.

"Mistress, Master Tatewaki used the lab and some of your potions to create the ultimate love potions to ensnare Ranma Saotome into loving him." Sasuke explained.

Kodatchi made a disgusted face.

"I had no idea that my brother was **_THAT_** way with men, but still I can not allow him to pursue my great Ranma-sama." Kotatchi said with a venomous disgust in her voice.

"I'm sorry Mistress, but it seems as though you are still a little confused. Your brother is not pursuing the MALE Ranma Saotome, but rather the FEMALE Ranma Saotome formerly also known as "The Pig-Tailed Girl". Sasuke explained… _again_. But tonight he might just get through to her as he mentally smiled.

"Oh, my brother dearest is still only chasing after that red haired tramp eh? His use of the lab is of no concern to me then" She said haughtily and was about to turn-in for the evening when Sasuke interrupted.

"Mistress Kodatchi, this is very important and I do not think it can wait any longer, will you listen?" He asked and she nodded down at him curiously.

"Have I not told you repeatedly the male and female Ranma Saotomes' are one in the same person, just under a shape-shifting curse?"

Kodatchi nods, but annoyance written on her face for this is not the first of such conversations ' _I'll have to chain him in the cellar again for spreading this vile lie once again _' she mused silently to herself.

He continued "In fact even both the male and female Ranma's have said as much to you, as well as the Tendo family and the entire student bodies of both Furinkan high school and St. Heberke school for girls. But mistress, tonight I have something that you'll want to see, that should make your brothers chasing of the pig-tailed-girl very interesting and important to you." With that said he pulled out a mini-dvd disc and popped into a video screen set that Kodatchi somehow missed seeing earlier.

What she saw astounded her, she's heard the awful vile lie that her Ranma-sama was cursed to become that red haired piece of gutter trash when doused with cold water and back again with hot water. She even thought she saw for a flash of an instant at the martial arts gymnastics competition. But on the screen in super slow motion were scenes of her Ranma-sama getting splashed by cold water at the most inopportune times and shrinking in height, gaining breasts and she was certain a certain appendage being inverted. In the frame-by frame she could even make out the faint magical aura that surrounded Ranma for a fraction of a second to work the change. Then other images of a girl-type Ranma fully unclothed and stepping into the hot shower in the Tendo furo and again a faint magical aura and she gained height, breast shrank, and then Kodatchi had the good grace to blush a deep crimson at what she saw change below the belt line.

Realization hit her like a ton of bricks.

"No" was all she was able to mutter.

' _It can't be, can it? But surely that footage wasn't faked, it was just too good, and all the stories from people, and my own eyes!_'

"HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND TO THE TRUTH!" Kodatchi screamed.

"Mistress, do you now see what it means for Master Tatewaki to be lusting after Ranma with love potions?" Calmly asked, not wanting to further unhinge the girl from reality.

(sob) "Yes Sasuke, I think I do see, I think I see clearly now. If my brother continues after the female Ranma, that'll mean that I lose my Ranma-sama! But he's not **my** Ranma-sama is he?" She asked him and shook his head in a "no".

Though as noted, the working mind of a Kuno is an true sight to behold as a mischievous smile appeared on her face and she said "But, if I were to take these new effective potions from brother dearest…then… then I can use them on my male Ranma-sama then he'll be mine!" she cackled which made Sasuke cringe in fear, then continued "I love it when a plan comes together! Hohohohohoh!" In a swirl of black rose petals she was gone.

' _Geez, where does she get then keep all these rose petals?_" Sasuke mused to himself.

' _probably should make the call now_' Then Sasuke pulled out a cell phone, dialed, and waited for the voice of his **true** employer…

"Hello Sasuke, good of you to call, now what do you have for me this evening?"

Came the voice of Nabiki Tendo over the line…. Sasuke grinned from ear to ear.

This was going to be good.

* * *

Meanwhile at the Ucchans Okonomiyaki, Konatsu stood a silent vigil over the closed restaurant while Ukyo quietly cried in her bed over her decision over Ranma and Akane.

' It's going to hurt… a lot, but Ranchan, you don't deserve me. I fought along with the others like you were a prize to be won. And all it took was a tragic accident to show me how wrong I was. I'm so sorry Akane. Tomorrow my life is yours. To atone for my transgression I'll be your… your… slave.' And with that she slowly, sadly drifted into a restless sleep, a lone tear streaked down her cheek.

T/B/C!


	6. Chap 6, Say DOOM, enter Nodoka

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 6: revised**

* * *

The familiar sounds and smells of a quality breakfast slowly roused the occupants of the Tendo dojo into consciousness.

"Ah, good morning Kasumi, smells wonderful as always." Soun said somewhat blearily in passing the door to the kitchen. Only to be stopped by… giggling?

"Why thank you Mr. Tendo, but I'm not Kasumi, she's not feeling so well this morning so I'm helping as much as I can." Said Ranma-chan wearing an apron, while flipping the western style flap-jacks.

"WHAT? MY BABY KASUMI IS SICK? RANMA TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG RIGHT THIS INSTANT! DOES SHE NEED TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM! WAAAAAA! MY BABY IS DYING!" Soun "_fountain-san_" Tendo bellowed while beginning crying fit #127 aka "_the natural order of the house is wrong, all wrong!_"

"Geeze! If your gonna cry go stand over the furo of somethin'! else you'll ruin breakfast!" Ranma-chan said irritated, then continued "And no, Kasumi doesn't need to go to the hospital geeze, she's just got a migraine and pretty bad cramping this time of the month" Ranma said while returning to the sausages.

In Soun's mind though "_she said 'this time of the month'…._" WAAAAAA! And fountain-san Tendo began anew with crying fit #74 aka "_My daughter is experiencing feminine issues and I'm not man enough to help my baby girl!_" and with THAT he left to seat him self at the table with his soggy morning news paper.

"pathetic excuse of a man…." Ranam mumbled to herself after…. whatever the hell that was all about.

* * *

As the table was all set with the western style breakfast feast, the household took notice that a certain youngest Akane Tendo was absent. Soon though this was remedied by the tenor voice of said Akane-kun as he bellowed "RANMA YOU JERK!" promptly followed by said Tendo, bounding down the stairs to confront said small redheaded girl.

Though before Ranma-chan could say anything, Nabiki surprisingly enough asked with a smirk "Alright Akane-_kun_, what'd '_she_' do now?"

"Grrr! Three days ago Ranma said that she'd forgot something in our training for those two weeks! Can you believe it? FORGOT! So SHE! Told me to stay male for three whole days and nights!" Akane-kun nearly screamed.

"Well, yeah Akane, what with balance training, new male katas, and correct guy-speech along with who-knows what else. It's a pretty small thing. I kinda thought though you'd figure it out on your own though" Ranma curtly replied.

"Okay, NOW I'm curious Akane-_kun_, what'd Ranma-_chan_ forget that's sooooo bad?" Nabiki said coolly.

"LOOK AT MY FACE!" Akane-kun did scream.

And so Nabiki did. "Heh, nice goatee you got there '_bro_'." Nabiki said with a smirk and great mirth.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Akane-kun screamed again.

"Now, now son, it's perfectly normal, and I must say it's quite fetching on you." Soun said with some fatherly pride.

"Daaaad! I'm your daughter!" Akane-kun shouted back, proptly followed by Soun "_fountain-sans_" wail # 37 aka "_My son… err daughter is being mean to me!_"

"Alright Akane, normally it'd be your pops who'd show you how, but…" Ranma stole a glance at the quivering mass that called itself the Tendo patriach. And she continued. "So after breakfast I'll show and help you with shaving. 'Kay?" Ranma finished with a smile.

"Okay, Ranma I guess, but for this surprise, you'll pay, oh yes you'll pay!" Akane-kun said with a none too pleasant smile that made Ranma gulp.

* * *

Lunch time at Furinkan high school.

"So Ranma, still no word on the pineapple brained principal?" Hitomi asked.

"Nope and all the better if you ask me, we don't his crazy hair cutting fetish anymore than we need the plague." Ranma said with clear distaste to the loony Kuno patriarch.

"Yeah, agreed. Hey, isn't that Ukyo?" Nani said "Hey Ukyo over here!" she called out

Ranma looked up with surprise to see Ukyo heading towards their table, thankfully with no apparent injuries.

"Umm hiya Uc-chan feeling alright. I'm umm really sorry how I, umm blew up, but well you know. Glad to, umm see you're alright though." Ranma said very nervously.

(sigh) "No Ranma you've got nothing to be sorry for, I'm the one who should be sorry, and I want to apologize."

'_okay, this I wasn't expecting_.' Were the thoughts of Ranma-chan and Akane-kun.

"Ranma first you gotta' know that you have nothing to be sorry for, we, that is the other girls and I fought over you like some sort of prize to be won, regardless of how you felt about us. At least now I know how you feel about me." Ukyo choked back a small sob and continued. "Then there we were fighting over you again, over who'd serve you a lunch of all things. What a stupid reason to fight that was too. Then we in our fight ended up getting Akane cursed. And for that, Akane I'm truly sorry, so…" Ukyo gets on her knees and continues "Akane, I've done a lot to hurt both you and Ran-chan, and for that I don't deserve him, sure your foods' toxic and you hit him, but you love him. Sooo (in hails deeply) to pay for,…. for my transgression and the hurt I've caused both of you, Akane I'll do anything to help, I'll umm be your slave if you'll let me." And with that Ukyo let the tears silently fall not daring to look at either Ranma or Akane.

For the briefest moment after hearing "slave" come from Ukyo's mouth Akane-kun thinks back to an ecchi magazine under his bed that involves latex, a riding crop and cheese whiz and their various uses. But quickly banishes those hentai thoughts as the full implication of what she's saying sets in.

'_she's so upset and ashamed that she's essentially giving her life to me? And giving up the chase on Ranma to boot?_' were Akane-kun's thoughts.

"Ukyo…. Ukyo look at me." Akane said, once he had Ukyos attention he continued. "Ukyo, I won't lie and say that I'm happy about getting cursed…. but I'll gladly accept your apology on one condition."

"W-what condition would that be?" Ukyo said in a small maybe afraid voice. Who knows what Akane might do with Ukyo as his/her slave?

"The condition is I don't want a, as you put it "slave" I want a friend. Ukyo, wanna be friends?" Akane-kun said with a smile and holding his hand out to help Ukyo up.

' _friends? acceptance from Akane? She… err he's not mad and wants me to be a friend? when was the last time I had a genuine friend?_' Ukyo though.

Ukyo smiles hesitantly and takes the proffered hand and says "Akane, I'd really like to be your friend. Thank you!" and with that Ukyo grabs Akane-kun in a fierce hug.

Ranma smiled at how a rivalry, turned into a new friendship. Maybe things were finally looking up?

* * *

At that instant while Skuld and Belldandy weren't watching, Loki first class god of mischief (aka pain in the ass) decided to tinker with the lives of his pet projects in Nerima Japan.

So in the Neko-Hanten Cologne gasps in surprise infront of her computer terminals search results. And finally exclaims with disbelief.

"They're BOTH related to HIM!"

'Oh yes, what fun THIS will be!' Loki thought to himself very pleased.

* * *

"Okay Akane, I KNOW this isn't the way back home, so where are we going and how come you changed back to a girl?" Ranma said a little miffed at being dragged around town.

"Well, Ranma first it'd be… um awkward to go where we're going as a guy, secondly, we're here." Akane-chan while dragging Ranma-chan into the shop.

"Okay Akane, I give why are we in Mrs. Wong's salon? Cause I ain't getting no girly hair-doo."

Akane chuckles and says "No Ranma, we're not here to get your hair done… um per se."

Though before Akane can continue Mrs. Wong herself says "Oh Hello Akane-chan, so nice to see you again, what can we do for you and your cute little friend today?" she finished with a smile that could warm even those with a heart of stone.

"Oh, nothing for me today thanks, though my 'friend' here I think needs a full waxing." Akane said with that none-too-pleasant glint in her eyes.

Ranma thought '_waxing? What am I, a car? Geeze how stupid can the tomboy be?_'

Mrs. Wong got that same glint in her eyes, and said. "Yes I see, Miss Ranma was it?" Ranma nods, so she continues "come right with me then and we'll begin."

Ranma turns to Akane and asks "Akane are you sure about this? I just don't know 'bout this…"

"Oh Ranma you'll be fine, unless that is your chicken and can't stand a little pain" Akane says with a smirk as she knows she just pressed the right button.

Correct she was as Ranma declares boldly "I AIN'T AFRAID OF NOTHIN'!" and with that Ranma storms off into the depths of the beauty salons back room.

(about 10 minutes later)

The window rattling shriek of disbelief of "BIKINI WAX?" echoes though a 3 block radius of Mrs. Wong's Salon.

(about 40 minutes even later)

"So, Ranma, how's it feel?" Akane said FAR too playfully for the situation in Ranma's opinion.

Ranma mumbles "smooth in places I didn't know could be smooth." (shudders)

"Ahh, don't tell me Ranma Saotome, the big bad martial artist is afraid of a little wax?" Akane said mockingly. To which Ranma grumbled out. "I hate you" and the two proceeded to walk back to the dojo.

"Well, Ranma, you know what they say?" Akane said.

"No, what?" Ranma asks.

"Paybacks a bitch!" Akane said, then burst into giggles and ran ahead.

Ranma just stood there 'til it dawned on her what she meant.

"WHY YOU? COME BACK HERE!" Ranma shouted and gave chase to the rapidly retreating… and laughing her head off Akane.

* * *

Ah dinner time at the Tendo's. Nabiki making one more call before dinner is served. A frazzled Akane-kun trying to mend the Moko-takabisha burn in his new orange dual-form blouse.

A Kasumi popping midol tablets like candy, while the father's drink (hey what else is new?) while Ranma-chan dishes out another fine meal. Though no-were near Kasumi's cuisine.

Then the most dreaded sound imaginable resounds through the compound once more after it'd been gone for sooo long. Well no good thing lasts forever.

"HOTCHA!" Yes, that's Happosai. Followed by a feminine cry of rage.

"Ahh! GET OFF A' ME YOU STINKING BASTARD!" Oddly though this comes from Kasumi as she swats the perverted grandmaster off of her generous bosom.

"Oh, but Kasumi-chan! How can you deny an old man such a simple pleasure?" Happosai says with big hopeful eyes.

"Easily you disgusting old letcher! Especially since we found out that women are just batteries for you to recharge on!" Kasumi snarled out angrily. Wait, Kasumi can snarl?

"Oh well your loss. HOTCHA! Ranma-chan come to Happi!" Happosai exclaims as he bounds for said redhead's ample bosom.

As Happosai lands on said ample bosom, and before Ranma can swat him off, he looks up and says "You know Ranma-chan, last time you hit me it really hurt #sniff# took me nearly a month to walk back from Fukuoka." Mentally he added, '_though the week I spent at the swimsuit competition wasn't bad._' begin evil laugh.

"Just get offa me ya' old freak so we can at least finish dinner!" Ranma said, far more calmly that she was feeling.

"Oh no, not just yet my dear Ranma-chan… hey, are you wearing a bra? (eyes sparkle), no that can wait."

Happosai, turning down a bra worn by none other than Ranma-chan? Suddenly everyone at the table had a sudden sinking feeling of DOOM!

"You see my dear on my way back I ran into someone very special I'd not seen in such a long time. My great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter to be precise."

Genma began to sweat, no he couldn't mean "HER" could he? He wouldn't, right?

Happosai continued "Oh she was just soooo lonely, and so I told her all about you and your father and the Tendos too! That cheered her right up! So I invited her to come over!" Happosai said with an all too big smile and then continued "Come on in No-chan!"

Genma thought while sweating profusely, "_we're dead, we're dead, we're sooo sooo dead!_" But before he could "go-panda" the shoji door slides open and in walked Nodoka Saotome.

Fingering the hilt of her katana Nodoka said frostily. "Hello 'husband' and Ranma. Grandfather's told me quite the tale."

"Uh, mom….?" Ranma-chan began to speak only to be stopped by the "death-glare" coming from her mother.

The Tendos all had the same though, a shocked "Oh No!"

* * *

T/B/C!

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, that's what I'd like to call an "Evil cliffhanger"

Buwahaha!


	7. Chap 7, Are you manly?

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 7: revised**

* * *

On any other given night the Tendo dojo (aka pinpoint singularity of chaos theory in action in suburban Nerima ward: Tokyo) might be the scene of a colossal fight with monsters and ghosts, or unusual kidnapping plots by some obscure Chinese Prince. Or what-ever else, that would invariably involve either a busty red-haired girl, or a handsome young man, depending on the weather of course.

However, a different more frightening type of drama is coming to pass this night in the dining room of said dojo.

"Now then 'Ranko-chan', oh, or would you prefer 'Ranma-_chan_?'" the now seated Nodoka began coldly. Just when it looked as if Ranma might say something she continued.

"No, that can wait, for now. Now, grandfather Happosai has told me quite the tale, much of which fits with what the Tendos' here, and interestingly enough, you, have already told me child. But there's oh so much more he said that interests me greatly."

Everyone in the room, minus Nodoka, stole a glance at the frightening visage of a smirking, yes a smirking Happosai. (scary!)

Nodoka began again "Child, now I think I can understand the hair-brained idea of you 'hiding in plain sight' as it were, considering your…. gender affliction. Though I am disappointed that you chose to hide in fear from me. That's NOT very manly."(sigh)

Ranma at this point had her head down, and if you were to see her face behild the bangs you'd see the tears of shame and fear threatening to come. But no, Ranma wouldn't cry. No, it's not manly.

"Auntie stop! It's not his, fault he has the curse!" Akane-kun said, breaking some of the tension in the room.

"Yes Akane, so grandfather has told me. As I understand it, if it weren't for my baka husband over there…" Nodoka bagan to said only to notice Genma then said "…. GENMA PUT THAT WATER DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT! YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS MESS BY BEING A DAMN PANDA!" with a sufficiently cowed Genma trying to retreat into his own shadow she continued. "As I was saying, if it weren't for him and his stupidity Ranma wouldn't be cursed. So as that is, I've decided that this is not a factor in the contract."

Upon hearing this Ranma looked up as asked hesitantly "Y-you mean you won't make me commit seppuku 'cause I'm a girl sometimes?"

Nodoka looked confused for a moment then said "Seppuku? You? No never! That portion of the contract was only for your father to keep him in line and so he'd come back. Both accounts he failed miserably on I might sadly say." She said that gave the "death glare" to the sweating in fear form of Genma. Then went on to say "No, I could never harm you my child, my Ranma. No, at the most I'd have you turned ronin."

While being ronin in Japanese society means you're looked upon with the same grace as dog poo on a shoe. It was still a far cry better than being dead in Ranma's book at the moment.

"Now then Ranma, I have some questions that'll halp me decide if you are indeed manly. Will you answer truthfully and to the best of your manly ability?" when Nodoka received a nod from the red-head sitting across from her she began.

"Ranma, while you're a girl, are you attracted to men?"

"WHAT? NO! I'M A GUY DAMMIT!" Ranma practically screeched in a higher soprano.

"So, while you're female you insist that you're male. Hmm very manish, but not necessarily 'manly'. Then I take it that while you're female you're a lesbian?" she asked.

Ranma blushed prettily in embarrassment and could only nod. After all it was her/his MOM asking…. that!

Nodoka smiled for the first time that night and said "Hmm, very good, nice and manly my child. I approve, after all two women together it is every man's fantasy. And being a lesbian yourself will help with your many manly urges."

As the others in the room digested this bit of logic, they (even Kasumi) face-vaulted. Hard.

"What, was it something I said?" asked a confised Nodoka to a recovering Ranma.

"No mom, that was just a bit… unexpected is all." Ranma replied.

"Okay dear, next thing. I understand it that you have no less than four nubile young girls chasing and lusting after you. And that they'll chase after even when you're a girl. Is this true? And what are your feeling for them?" Nodoka asked.

"Umm well yeah, there's Uc-chan, umm that's Ukyo Kuonji. Pop and her pop engaged us, but I only see her as a friend, and umm recently she dropped the engagement so were just friends again."

"Oh, and why did she drop the engagement, dear?"

"Umm, ah, I think she's feeling pretty guilty in her part on getting Akane cursed."

"Ah, I see. Please continue."

And so Ranma did.

"Okay, then there's Shampoo. She's a Chinese Amazon, and by their laws I'm her fiancé 'cause I beat her in combat. But I've not seen her in a while. And I guess she's alright, a bit of an air-head, but we're friends at least I guess. I do know that ain't no way I'm goin' ta' china though to be her husband." Ranma said that last bit with clear distaste. And Nodoka raised an eyebrow at the idea of marriage by combat by the sound of it and though 'this bears more investigating than I thought. Ranma must be very manly though.'

"Then there's this loony girl Kodatchi Kuno of a noble house. The whole family is bonkers if you ask me. And I guess if she weren't tryin' so hard to make me lover her with chemicals, or tryin' to kill my girl side, 'cause she hasn't figured out we're the same person. I could maybe be friendly with her."

"I understand Ranma, I've heard of… some of the things that the Kuno family has done. It would indeed be manly of you to befriend this girl, even though she's used tricks in the past." Nodoka said then asked "And what of Akane-kun here? What are your thoughts on her, umm err him as it were." She said and silently added 'damn I never knew pro-nouns could be so difficult.'

Ranma blushed prettily and stammered "W-what? The, um tomboy? S/he's violent and uncute, dumb and built like a brick!" then added to herself 'but really cute when he or she smiles.'

And despite the little red-heads comment, everyone (except Genma who was now trying to hide under the floor mat), and even Akane-kun saw right through it.

Akane-kun then said "Ranma no baka" and playfully hit Ranma in the arm. And to say that Ranma was shocked that she wasn't pounded through the floor was an understatement. While Nodoka's smile just grew a little bit more.

Nodoka once again getting the attention of Ranm asked "Now Ranma dear, is there ANYTHING else that you think I should hear before I decide?"

'oh Ranma, please don't say anything stupid' was the general thought running through the minds of the Tendos'.

"Um, yeah actually, you say that your Happosai's great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter right? Sooo, I guess that makes me his…." Ranma couldn't finish as Happosai himself spoke up.

"That's right my boy! You're my great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchild. And a fine heir to the school I founded." Happi said with no small amount of pride then continued "In fact I'm proud of all my granddaughters here!"

Now THAT got Soun's attention and he started making warding gestures to the grandmaster, wanting the secret he feared to be maintained. But after hearing Happosai's broad remark Nabiki's curiousity was piqued.

"Hey, Letch, what do you mean by "all of your grand-daughters", don't you just mean Ranma?" Nabiki said with a smirk towards said pigtailed girl's direction.

Happosai makes a tisking sound and says "I guess it's my own fault really, I trusted Soun and Genma to tell you all one day of your fine herritage" (sigh) "Just think about this for a moment Nabiki-chan, The school of Anything Goes Martial Arts is a FAMILY art, and I'm the founder and grandmaster. Put two and two together." Happi said with a, for once friendly smile.

The three Tendo girls (one currently a Tendo boy) thought about that, and at the same time Ranma was still mentally puking at the idea of being ANY sort of relation to Happosai.

Kasumi was the first to recover from the, shall we say, shock? Of THAT revelation, considering both Nabiki and Akane looked as though they were about to be ill. Violently. And soon. And said "You mean to say that Father and Genma are your decendants Grandfather Happosai?"

Kasumi's polite question was rewarded with a cackle to which Happi said. "What those two twits? No, they married into the family, in fact my children, and their children and their children, well you get the idea, were all girls. Ranma here is my first grandson. It shames me that Sound and Genma never told you girls of your glorious heritage."

Meanwhile certain things clicked in the minds of the youngest Tendo girls.

"HOW COULD THREE HUNDRED YEARS OF CHILDREN ALL BE GIRLS?"

"RANMA AND I ARE RELATED! THAT'D BE INCEST IF WE MARRIED!"

Nabiki started and Akane finished the shout, quite loudly at the same time.

Happosai chuckles and explains "Well, little Akane, first no, not incest, considering the Saotome lines comes from my fist marriage with Mariko, oh such lovely bright red hair she had too (he sighs happily in remembrance), and can't forget the big juggs. In fact Ranma you take after her quite a lot….."

'greeeeat' Ranma drawled mentally.

"…..And then the Tendo line comes from my second marriage 60 years later with Kaeda, oh and what splendid red hair she had too! And sooooo energetic and wild in bed to boot! Mmm, red-heads, gotta' love 'em!" Happosai cackled while Ranma, currently in case you missed it was a red-head, shivered.

"So, to answer your question Akane, no at most you're both really distant cousins. And Nabiki, that's simple. All I gotta' do is while I was boppin' Mariko and Kaeda was to super-charge my manly seed with female ki so the children are girls and the effect is cumulative and carries over to the next generation." Happi said with no small amount of pride at his feat of eugenics.

Whereas Kasumi, Nabiki, Ranma-chan, and Akane-kun, after hearing his explanation, turned green and all rushed to quickly evacuate their stomachs.

* * *

As the youths came back from their impromptu sojourn to the great while thrown, the aquatransexuals both back in their birth forms. They noticed Nodoka and Happosai quietly talking while the fathers were once again playing "Go". Honestly, how those two could play such a simple game day in and day out and not get bored to tears, was an amazing feat in and of itself.

"Hiya mom" Ranma-kun said to Nodoka interrupting her conversation with Happi. Who'd you expect him to say it to? Sailor Pluto. Who actually upon closer inspection IS watching this exchange through the time gates. But enough of that for now.

"Oh Hello Son, I was wondering if I'd get to see you tonight, now let me have a look at you." She said with a motherly smile.

After several very embarrassing minutes of close securitization and some cheek pinching.

Nodoka said. "Son, I've decided that you are indeed a manly man amongst men. You're kind, handsome, a strong warrior, and have several girls at your choosing. I just have one more thing to say."

"Yes mom?" Ranma said slightly nervously.

Nodoka shouts "GRANDCHILDREN!" and whips out the victory fans, while Ranma and Akane face-vault.

After several minutes of the "grandchildren" dance as performed by Nodoka, she composes herself and says "Grandfather, I believe you have an announcement to make?"

"Yep! Sure do. Ranma My Boy, step forward, I Masa (1) of the clan Happosai declare you, Ranma of the clan Saotome Master of the Anything Goes school of martial arts and my Heir. Do you accept?"

To say Ranma, and the rest of the household was stunned, might be an understatement.

"Yeah, I do, um thanks Master Masa." (snickers) "But why now?"

"Simple my boy, I was impressed that you handled Herb and the others before him, but I needed to wait so that contract could be out of the way. After all, can't very well have a dead or ronin Martial arts master now can we?"

"Oh…" was Ranma's reply.

"And that reminds me…." Nodoka said, and SHING, the sound of a Katana being drawn, but from inside the scabbard she pulled out a slip of paper, the contract in question, tossed it into the air, and seconds later with careful sword strikes it was confetti on the floor. With that feat of swordswomanship, the household realized just how much skill Ranma received from his mother's line. Not to mention the good looks, and large chest.

"My, look at the time son, almost midnight already, where did the time go, well we best be leaving. Husband come!" Nodoka said with authority.

"Huh? Where to No-chan?" the slightly drunk Genma slurred out.

"Why that's simple dear…" she began with a uber-kawaii smile and an attitude that was a 180 degree on a hairpin curve reversal of what she came into the house with "…I've kept my marriage vows for almost 11 long lonely frustrating years now and mechanical boyfriends are only so good soooo long. So husband, we are going to our home, and you're going to repay me for 11 years worth of D-cell batteries, and do your manly duty. And after 10 years of training you had better be VERY manly!" she finished with a lewd smirk.

THAT sobered him up, in the blink of an eye Nodoka was in Genma's arms as he speedily roof-hopped to the Saotome house on the other side of Nerima.

"Oh my!" interestingly that came from Nabiki. While Kasumi thought '_damn why are people stealing my lines! I hardly get to say anything as it is and they take away my ONE little line?"_

Meanwhile Soun "fountain-san" just added a NEW wail to his repertoire, the "My best friend is out getting nookie but I'm not, I wonder if Hinaiko-chan is busy? Pedophilia, what's that?" WAAAAA!"

After the senior Saotome's left Akane turned to Ranma and said "Ranma, you're mom is scary"

Ranma only nods as he looks out in the direction his parents just went.

Akane continued with "Come on Ranma, tonights a school night."

And at around 3:00 in the morning, when the shrieks and load moans echoing across Nerima finally died down all was right in Nerima once more.

…. For a little while.

* * *

authors note:

(1) Masa Japanses boys name meaning "Righteous". Seems fitting, no? HA!

Oh, and the next chapter is a graphic LEMON. You have been warned.

T/B/C!


	8. Chap 8,LEMON Cumming together

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

* * *

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

:**Authors note**: All the previous chapters have been revised for, but not limited to spelling, grammar, and to build in a better plot. So it might behoove you to reread the fic if you haven't already. Wait a sec, this story has a plot! Yes it does now, though it didn't when I started it. And woo-boy what a plot too! I've read many, many thousands of Ranma fan-fictions (gosh why does that depress me so?). And to that end, I wanted to write my first fiction to be unique above all others. And this story, what it may lack in writing capability on my park, it makes up for in pure originality.

Though that originality might only really show through in the epilogue. Though you might have already noticed characters such as Setsuna Meioh aka 'Sailor Pluto' Guardian of Time, Doctor Who the Time Lord, and Urd Goddess of the Past (and Love), and Loki, well He's just Loki. Hope you noticed the trend in those crossover characters.

Whoops, look at the Time! On with the fanfiction!

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 8**

LEMON, LEMON, LIME, **proceed at own risk.**

* * *

After the previous nights… interesting turn in events, school the next day passed by quickly, so we come to a scene in Akane's bedroom, of both Akane-kun, Ranma-chan on the floor, and Nabiki on Akane's bed, all doing the after school ritual right of homework. 

"Hey Akane, what do you think the answer is for this problemme on page two?" Ranma asks while pointing to the complex math problemme.

"Um, I think **42**. Big algebra problemme for such a simple answer though." Akane-kun remarked after several minutes of studying it.

"Eh, they just stick those hard but simple things in the tests and what-not to throw you off is all, really, they'd make you think it was the answer to the mysteries of the universe or something, so don't worry about it Ranma." Nabiki said from her perch above them while doing her history assignment.

As Nabiki rolled over thinking, "_geeze, where am I going to need to know about the unification of the Deutsches Reich under the Kaiser Wilhelm in 1871!"_ something stinking out between the mattress and bed frame caught her eye. "_What's this?"_ she though.

After several minutes of quietly flipping pages, Nabiki gasps out "Oh My!"

"What, something wrong Nabiki?" Ranma asks getting up to look to Nabiki.

Akane also looks up and pales to see what Nabiki is holding, with shock on his face Akane starts to lunge to grab the incriminating thing from Nabiki, but Ranma gets there first.

After several moments of no response from Nabiki, Ranma peers over the plain brown wrapped book like object to see for herself, and then stops in shock with a full blush at what she's seeing and thinks _"Huh, Akane thinks like that? Wow. And I'M the one called 'pervert'"_.

By now Nabiki has come out of her shock, about this revelation from her sister…err brother. Both? And tears her eyes away from "it" to see the shock, shame and embarrassment on Akane-kun's face. Then she says.

"Wow Akane, I had no clue you were into Futanari Doujinshi Hentai mags(1), and to…. Colour them yourself. You really pulled the wool over my eyes on this one…"

With that Ranma herself grabs the hentai mag out of Nabiki's hands to look at it more closely, but then…

"Ewww! It's all crusty and sticky!" Ranma-chan says rather loudly, prompting a question from Nabiki of "Is it 'girl crusty/sticky', or 'guy crusty/sticky' Ranma?"

Ranma's face contorts cutely in what may be called disgust and replies simply "Both I think." She then sticks out her tongue in a mock-gag.

At this point Akane is too shocked and shamed to move, as things are moving more like a nightmare that n it being real. He thinks he hears Ranma and Nabiki both mutter "pervert" while looking at him, but he's not certain anymore, just thinking how stupid he is.

Nabiki picks up again with "You know Ranma, you might want to be flattered with this. I mean, for Akane here to not only find a futanari doujinshi with a character with a pigtail, she then colours the hair red like yours too. And the size of her… um his… um whatever's "member" is… quite impressively large." Nabiki had to squeak out the last bit, as even the 'Ice-Queen' knows some things are taboo.

"Yeah, I guess that's one way to look at it, I guess. So Akane how's it feel to join the ranks of us 'perverts'? Ranma asks slightly playfully.

Akane, hearing his name, then the question blanks out for a second, only to rebound with his usual vigor of a favourite, though overused saying "I'M NOT A PERVERT YOU PERVERT!"

And just as it looks as though Akane was about to form a ki-mallet, Ranma daintily holds up, and opens the hentai with her forefinger and thumb to show the hand-coloured "futanari-girl" with red hair in a pigtail stroking her horse size member, then says "Akane, me-thinks that the evidence speaks for itself, don't you think so Nabiki?..." seeing Nabiki nod the affirmative, she continues. "… though I guess I really can't blame you, after all I AM one hot babe, if I do say so myself…." Ranma then strikes a sexy pose more suited for a Hustler magazine, then continues "… though I wonder, if you really like this, I wonder if I can trick my curse to change only a little… err make that a big something. Just. For. You!" the last line said as she stalked up to Akane-kun and flicked his nose with her forefinger and giggled.

Akane-kun though was on sensory overload at the thought of a 'real-life' futanari Ranma-chan, and promptly passed out in a dead faint with twin geysers of nasal blood escaping his cranium at high enough velocity to knock him onto the far wall.

After the impressive display of a nasally self propelled Akane-kun, Nabiki and Ranma just stood slightly stunned (hey they're Nerimite's, it takes a lot to really faze them) when Ranma spoke "Yeesh, and Akane always called me a pervert, now I guess I know she was judging me against herself, just when you think you know a person…tsk…" Ranma steals a glance at Akane-kun then asks "… so Nabiki, feel up for some ice-cream?"

"Yeah, I could use a break, and ice-cream sounds good, oh and, I dunno', could you maybe show me how to do that '_I'm the cutest little thing since bunnies and puppies face_' you use to scam more ice-cream?"

"Well, I dunno' it is one of my more powerful moves after all, but I guess I can trust you with it, my student!" as Ranma cackles Nabiki big-sweat-drops, then asks "Ranma about what you said about tricking your curse, can you really do that!"

"Hmm, naw, I don't think so, magic just don't work that way, and even if it did, just Ewww!"

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I can't believe I just said that you're right about something."

"Yeah, I know.

"So… ice-cream?"

"Yeah…"

And with that the two girls left the neo-boy in a crumpled heap, leaking vital life juices nasally while thoughts best left to the imagination of the reader for the purpose of this fiction, ran wild in his head.

* * *

In the late afternoon just as the two girls were leaving the ice-cream parlor, filled to capacity with nearly free ice-cream, that is two 10 yen sundaes turned into a veritable smorgâsbørd of frozen confections thanks to the '_I'm the cutest little thing since bunnies and puppies_' face times-two, the pompous insane voice of none other than Tatewaki Kuno, True Blunder of Furinkan High school, age 18 filled the air.

"Beauteous pig-tailed girl, Ranma Saotome! I've found thee at last! Come to me my love and delight in my manliness!" that said, Kuno rushed said girl, arms spread to sweep her into an embrace, though only to meet empty air. Then to have a dainty foot to the face.

"Ah ya bafoon will ya knock it out for just one day, just when the day was lookin' alright too!" with that Ranma gave an extra kick to his butt, knocking him into the ground face-first for good measure. Though in the far recesses of Ranma's mind, a female voice was commenting on what nice ass Kuno has. Moments later that voice was dragged deeper into her mind where it was beaten, pissed on then burned to a crisp for good measure.

By this point Nabiki was safely behind a shrubbery with her video camera on its tripod, that she keeps in 'Camera-space'(2) as these wild fights always make good (and legitimate) money.

"That hurt you know" Tatewaki said plainly, getting up to dust himself off.

"Well Duh! Kind'a the point Kuno, what is ya want this time? Cause I ain't datin' ya!" Ranma said as she took a stance ten or so feet from the idiot.

"Why my glorious tigress (Ranma flinched at the mention of that type of c-c-cat) that is exactly my noble intention to date with thee!"

"Yeah right dream on bozo, ain't no way I'm dating you again!"

"Oh my lovely, I think you shall change your mind with THESE!" and with that Kuno had reached into his jacket and pulled out a small drawstring sack, and a large glass vial.

"Lemme' guess, love potions right?" Ranma drawled out rather bored, after all this is SUCH an old game by now.

"Hahahaha! Yes my glorious tigress, you are most astute to realize this! Hahaha! But no, these aren't just ordinary potions, these are the best chemical bases from my twisted sisters Lab, combine with my godlike intellect and ancient House of Kuno secrets, these Ranma Saotome are the BEST love potions in existence! And with them you shall be mine! Hahahaha!" then Kuno took his own stance pulling his mighty bokken from 'bokken-spce'.

By now Ranma was slightly worried, it's not like she can't take Kuno, though she thought "_better be careful, knowin' the idiot, he'll wanna' get close to douse me with one of 'em_".

It should be noted that the words "Ranma Saotome" and "Love potion" even in the same paragraph will draw high-powered loves-truck teenage martial artists like moths to a flame so it should be no surprise that before the lovestruck fool, and the aquatransmorphic gender bender could fight, several voices split the air.

"Aiyah! Shampoo come save Airen from crazy stick-boy!" Shampoo shouted, bon-bori's at the ready. '_Then use potion for Ranma to be MINE!_'

"Ranma what the hell are you doing with Kuno!" Akane-kun said running into the area. '_If she's dating Kuno again I'm gonna' kill her!_'

"Ranma Saotome you fiend! For bewitching my Shampoo you shall pay!" Mousse shouted in rage drawing twin long-swords from his sleeves. '_But those potions of the morons will work well to capturing Shampoo's heart!_'

"RANMA! Because of you I've seen the Bronx!" the directionally challenged Ryoga screamed out. '_kill Ranma, kill Ranma, kill Ranma, snuggle with Akane-chan, oh and kill Ranma._'

"_Gee, wondered when he was gonna' show… hey wait… the Bronx?_" Ranma pondered to herself.

"I'm Comin' Ranchan!" shouted Ukyo, sheathing her battle spatula in favour of her 'Spat-chuks'(3) '_Love potions eh? Maybe there's hope yet! And if not Akane-kun IS hot…_'

"Ohhohoho! Brother dear I cannot let you have your way with Ranma-sama!" said the Black Rose Kodatchi, already twirling her ribbon. '_That pleasure is mine and mine alone!_'

At this point, the streets and buildings in the vicinity have all cleared out for safety reasons, and unnoticed by the fighters, up in a tree sat Cologne and Happosai chatting about the various fighters forms, and critiquing them. Unnoticed by even these two, were people watching with interest. One watching through a TARDIS view screen. Another watching intently through the time-gates, and two looking through a bowl of apparently ordinary water.

"Halt foul peasants and sister dear! For the gods themselves have decreed that Ranma shall be mine with assistance from these potions!"

After several deities in the area resisted the urge to face-vault at the moron's idiocy and narcissism, several cries of outrage wrenched the air.

"I ain't yours for nothin'!"

"Shampoo no let YOU!"

"KUNO NO BAKA!"

"Fowl! FOWL? I'm a human being not a bird dammit!" Mousse is touchy with words that even SOUND like something bird related you know.

"Kuno honey, I'm gonna' make ya into an idiot okinomiaki!"

"Tatewaki Kuno, PREPAR TO DIE!"

""Bro your ass is grass!" interesting how her usual eloquence escaped Kodatchi, no?

With that they charged, and the battle royal began, and what proceeds can only be described as Pandemonium.

* * *

"#is that# sign flip #my cue?#" Genma signed.

"Dammit Mr. Saotome this isn't you scene yet! And for pete's sake be a panda when using a damn sign!" Tuisto proceeds to beat a very human Genma with his own sign….

* * *

Now then where were we? Ah yes. pandemonium.

In his maddened state Tatewaki Kuno is truly quite a formidable fighter, and proving to be a challenge for the others, and since none of them have trained much together collateral damage was high…

As Kuno's bokken whirred through the air towards Ryoga, Ryoga countered with an umbrella block and 'belt-sword' slash. But Kuno side stepped the slash, so that Ukyo received the errant cut to her blouse. As Kuno had side stepped Ryoga's attack Akane and Ranma double teamed Kuno, Akane-kun with a mallet, and Ranma with a piece of rebar she found. Though their combined attack was rendered useless when Mousse's chained sword missed its aim to Kuno only fractionaly, but did slice the head from Akane's mallet, and shortened Ranma's rebar to a useless stub.

This distraction to Ranma and Akane was enough for Kuno to get in two good hits to each, knocking the wind out of them.

Then the mad kendoist rounded-about and raised his bokken to deflect twin bon-bori maces that were headed for his cranium, and in the same motion redirected Shampoo's attack to Kodatchi who was readying her ribbon for her "thousand slashes" technique.

At this point with his back turned he could block or deflect the Battle Spatula he knew to be descending on him, so he grabbed Ryoga by the shirt, and threw him into the oncoming weapon.

Ukyo's attack successfully avoided, and Ryoga momentarily down for the count, the melee intensified as Kuno swung his bokken back towards Mousse, blocking the myopic boy's scimitar, then with a sword twist and a knee snap kick, sent Mousse flying backwards.

Mere seconds after Mousse's impromptu flight, Ranma charges up her ki for a Katchu Tenshin-Amagurinken, but just as she begins her charge, and before she can shout the first syllable of the attack, Kuno back-flips away, leaving Akane to take many hits before Ranma can stop.

After Kuno's flip, he encounters Kodatchi and says as he swings his bokken to deflect her club. "Sister dear, please give up thine pursuit of Ranma, can thou not see she was fated to be with me?"

"Shut up you pompous ass-hole! I don't give a rats ass about 'fate' this and 'destiny' that! I just care about Ranma-sama! ATTACK of a THOUSAND CLUBS!"

As Kuno is dodging his sister's most powerful attack in a back-flip, a small drawstring sack and glass vial escapes his person to fly up into the air…

Time slows to a near standstill for all those in the fight as they notice the objects that started this. As they begin the decent, a barrage of spatu-kens from Ukyo, and a barrage whirling of bandana-kens from Ryoga, both meant for Kuno's head from opposite directions, intersect. The attacks intersection changing their attack vectors to the point where they're sure to hit the small sack and glass vial…

#RIP!#

#CRACK-CRINKLE!#

Yes, that was the sound of a small sack being ripped to shreds and a glass vial shattered, though the combined attacks of Ukyo and Ryoga had another affect, not lost on anyone in the still slow motion. Wind.

As the sack ripped and glass broke, the wind from the airborne weapons caused the powder and liquid to mix slightly making a ultra-fine pink mist that quickly expanded into a ever larger cloud that enveloped all the fighters, a certain shrubbery, the tree where sat Cologne and Happosai as well as several surrounding blocks before it finally settled.

As reality resumes it normal flow of time, the assembled fighters and watchers can notice immediately what those potions really were. As they were in fact labeled by Kodatchi, they were love potions, but only meant as the physical, horny as hell 'I _gotta' get me some lovin' now_' variety. And Tatewaki unwittingly boosted their potency 10 fold. Pity he didn't have those pages and notes of their true affects….

Now that the fighters and watchers have inhaled the mist and have it coating their bodies, rational thought evaporates along with their previous fighting like morning dew in the sun, to be replaced by the one and only thing on their collective minds… Unbridled Lust.

Ranma is the first (and last) to regain her wits, and succinctly voices the situation, and the raging desire burning through them. "Oh FUCK!"

As seconds pass like an eternity, a lust driven unspoken consensus is reacted, and moments later pants, shirts, blouses, brassieres, boxer shorts and panties are flying off the assembled bodies faster than the eye can see, and a new type of melee begins…

* * *

Mousse in his chemically induced engorged arousal quickly grabs the closest moving female that happens to be Kodatchi. As he gropes at her breasts rubbing her raised rock hard nipples from behind and pressing her supple gymnastic body against his, he thinks of something that seems important that starts with 'Sham' but quickly dismisses it, as 'Datchi-chan' moans and keels from his ministrations. He needs something, he needs it now more than ever, there to the right of his vision, a street-side bus bench, it'll do. As he swings 'Datchi-chan' in his grip, he pushes her face-forward over the back of the bench so that 'Datchi-cahn's' glistening sex is on proud display. But before he can ride her. Kodatchi moans out in mandarin chinese, "Oh yes Mu-Tzu-sama, take me now! Fuck, make me cum!" Mousse was more than happy to oblige her request too. As he pushed his throbbing rock hard rod of silk in hard, 'Datchi-chan' nearly came then, but he continued pumping, eliciting ever higher moans and mewling from the girl, then the pressure in him can go no higher as he cums, taking her even higher on her own ride.

The two exhausted, fall apart panting, but all is not over yet…

* * *

Behind a shrub nearby Nabiki couldn't believe what she was doing out in public! On the ground turned to see the bacchanal before her, her blouse and bra pushed up with her right hand caressing and fondling her breasts, and her skirt pushed down, with the fingers of her left hand stroking the folds and nubs of her sex, causing her to spasm slightly and then bite her lip to keep from screaming to her crescendo as she slips four finger within herself. After several moments Nabiki rolls over with renewed vigor to start again, she glimpses her still running camera, and the last portion of Nabiki's rational mind hopes that the thing is still rolling. Who needs fight scenes? What's happening over yonder will be worth a fortune!

* * *

Ukyo writhing on the ground couldn't believe how forward Shampoo had been! Grabbing her and throwing her to the ground, to then plant her face right between Ukyo's legs and spread her knees on either side of Ukyo's head! Ukyo also couldn't get over that long tongue of hers! Soon though she was lost in their mutual 69'ing as Ukyo licked and lapped up Shampoo's womanly essence, while fingering Shampoo's round-rose (rectum).

Shampoo on her part was lost in bliss, slightly amazed that Ukyo was this good at Amazon pleasure techniques! But Shampoo knew more was needed… but what?

"Aiyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" she screeched aloud, as she grabbed what was needed, at the same instant Ukyo pushed her whole hand up and into Shampoo.

Still shaking, Shampoo knew what she needed to do, then Ukyo nearly screamed in surprise as the cold metal handle of one of her spatu-kens was used as an impromptu dildo on her by Shampoo. As their combined tempo increased, they both arched and came like a tsunami, gushing. Then collapsed onto one another.

But more was definitely still needed.

* * *

As the lust-mist wafted past their perch in the tree, Cologne and Happosai felt an urge the likes of which neither had really felt for probably 200 years, and it was back with a vengeance!

"It's been a long time hasn't it little Ko-chan?" Happi said with an even lewder smirk than usual.

"Far to long Airen, far too long" Cologne giggled out girlishly.

"Then get ready baby-cakes cause I'm gonna' rock your world, HOTCHA!" Happi says as he jumps 'Ko-chan'.

(A/N: I'm sorry gentle reader; I lack the nerve to immortalize in text the… act, between these two.)

"Wo-AI-NIIIIIII AIRRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNNNN!" Cologne screeched out several satisfying minutes later.

"SWEETOooo!" (snores)

"Baka male…"

* * *

Maybe because of Ranma's currently smaller body, the mist seemingly affected her the most, as the first things to enter her vision after she stripped naked was Akane-kun and Ryoga-kun. More precisely she noticed their proud erections. Normally she'd beat these kinds of thoughts back, but right now her thoughts weren't the things she wanted to beat on…

So with a plan of action in her head, she pounced! Tackling Akane-kun (he was the closest) to the ground and using her momentum rammed herself over his bulbous member, with his back now planted to the ground, she began bouncing up and down on him, and the last thought to run through Akane-kun's mind was to notice the interesting jiggling movements her amble breasts made as she bounced on him. Minutes, maybe hours later, who cares? Ranma paused, tensed up, and pushed down once again hard! Causing the two to climax together, and as Ranma kept going and going, she did note how Akane-kun was like a never-ending fountain of manliness. Tom-Boy indeed!

Durring this display Tatewaki and Ryoga, who'd both been having 'self-service' saw Ranma-chan roll off Akane-kun panting, and so the idiot du-jour and the directional challenged boy knew what must be done.

For Tatewaki it was most surely his just reward from the gods themselves.

For Ryoga it was finally his chance to truly beat Ranma once and for all! Though, who the heck was that red-head guy? And why'd Ranma call him Akane as she came?

Plan in hand, Ryoga rushed in first, grabbed Ranma around her waist and pulled her up onto all fours. Then kneeling down himself, he drove forward into her, eliciting a gasping moan from the redhead who was still too far gone into the throws of passion from her encounter with Akane-kun to protest.

Then Kuno saw his golden opritunity, as Ryoga began thrusting in earnest. Kuno knelt in front of Ranma, grasped her mouth to force it to open, and pushed into her. Ranma on her part nearly gagged and choked on the forceful intrusion, but she repositioned herself so she could breathe as Kuno using his hand gripped her scalp and began to push her head back and forth over his length.

At this point, Ranma didn't know which way was even up anymore, as her front was pushed back, followed by her back pushed forward by the two boys causing pleasure to rip up and down her body. Soon though she could feel Ryoga climax into her with a grunt, followed moments later by her own and Kuno's as a icky salty slime was shot down her throat making her involuntarily gag on it. Just as quickly as they started, they stopped, and let Ranma fall bonelessly to the ground, knocked out cold, but still twitching.

- - - - - - -

Though mere moments later, Ranma still K.O.ed, unconsciously released a tidal wave of pure lust ki from her body, in the form of a giant pink heart that quickly went invisible, but did it's trick just the same as it spread over greater Tokyo, making even devout monks horny as heck. Nine or so months later it'll be known as that catalyst of the great Tokyo 'baby-boom'.

* * *

At this point had anyone in the romp been paying attention they would've seen Mr. Saotome in panda-form run by them being chased, while throwing signs saying the likes of "YIPES!" and "DON'T HURT ME!" and "No-chan can't we just cuddle?".

Turning to see his pursuer we'd see Nodoka Saotome in a black leather ensemble of 6 inch heel, knee high stiletto boots, black panties with matching garters, and a cup-less leather bustier exposing her breasts, and studded choker collar. Wielding what appears to be a lubed-up giant phallic inspired bokken, (a/n: think of a kendo oriented dominatrix) while she shouted "GENMA GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT LIKE A MAN!"

At her shout Genma turned back to look at his wife, and found himself in a dilemma, whether to find his wife's visage extremely 'hot' or to be scared shitless.

The world may never know the outcome of his mental tug-of-war as he just kept running.

* * *

As Mousse looked around with a wildness burning in his eyes, a wicked gleam came to his eyes, as his darling Shampoo was rolling off of Ukyo in a daze.

Shampoo didn't even notice Mousse as he planted his face in between her legs to eat her out. Though moments into the act, just as it was starting to get good Shampoo noted, they were greeted by a Close encounter of the wet kind, changing them into their cursed forms.

It's really quite a sight to see a white duck giving cunnilingus to a purple cat.

Finally the last two couples still going strong, each couple thrusting and pushing each other to new heights of the day. Tatewaki gently biting his lover nipples eliciting gasps of pleasure from her. While Ryoga manhandles his lover atop him from behind. The two couples moving like they were made for each other, only grunting and keeling in responsive mutual pleasure for their efforts. The first couple climaxed together and jerked to a passed out stop, still in each others arms.

Tatewaki and Kodatchi, sure are in for a surprise when they wake up…

When the second couple came, Ukyo just leaned back onto Ryoga's braod chest and mumbled "I love ya, Ryo-cah ya' lug.", and they were soon dead to the world.

* * *

In a place that defies any real description Setsuna stood watching through the gates, though she knew a visit to her little green mechanical boyfriend was in order after the display through the gates of time, when a powder-compact looking communicator buzzed.

"Yes Loki?" she answered in an annoyed tone, already knowing who called.

"Well gee, aren't you chipper…" Loki seeing her frown continued "…anyway Set-chan, does it look like things worked out as planned?"

Setsuna didn't answer immediately as she peered through the time-gates, then said "Yes, it finally look like things are coming together."

"About time, well Set-chan I'll go tell the others. Oh and wee still on for Friday?" Loki said with a broad smile, to which Set-chan could only blush and mumble out "yes" before he hung-up.

After that Setsuna teleported back to her flat still rosy-cheeked, and though "_I think big mr.-green can wait till after friday…_"

* * *

Back in Nerima, it was dark out, and the cool wind roused Ranma out of her deep restful sleep.

The first thing she noticed was that she was naked, cold, sticky all over, and had a headache like she'd spent a week of binge-drinking. Then she opened her eyes to look around her to see the mass of naked bodies, plus a duck and a cat, all of which were out cold.

She said the only thing that seemed appropriate given the situation "Oh shit!"

---

Things are about to get a lot more interesting in sleepy little Nerima now….

* * *

Well folks, this was my first attempt at a LEMON, it's the only one for this story, and only here for plot development. And probably the only one I'll ever do. I like it, as I tried to make it a funny lemon. Also is my biggest block of writing at more than 5,000 words, So comment on it if you will. Oh, and you had better of read this chapter with BOTH hands on the keyboard. I'll know if you didn't!

Notes for the fic are.

(1) Futanari-girl a drawn image of a girl with a overly proportioned male penis.

Doujinshi hentai sex based manga.

Ecchi hentai images

Hentai If you don't already know you need help. Badly, "Pervert".

(2) In Anime everything has a 'space', subspace if you will. So why not a 'camera space'?

(3) Spat-chuks? Simple think two steel spatulas connected with a length of chain. Like Nun-chucks, only cooler and baking oriented.

….T/B/C!...


	9. Chap 9, Angst and Wedding bells?

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 9: **

**LIME-_ish_….?**

* * *

Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished... He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home… 

However, this is not his story, as he has just 'leaped' into a Fred Burgelmeijer, an animal relationships specialist on a north Texas ranch, trying to convince bull number 473 that heifer number 158 just isn't for him…

"Oh-boy…"

-----

Now baby let me take you to heaven, err that is explain the drama unfolding there.

We see Skuld, youngest of the three Norns and goddess of the future in the main Yggdrasil operations room glaring at the ten holoscreens in front of her as she thought. "_Man this sucks, I just don't get it, 10 possible futures for Japan just up and collapse for no reason?! Great, now I've gotta' figure out why they collapsed and file individual reports… geez this sucks_."

As Skuld breezes through the cases 1, 2, and 3, number 4 stops her dead in her tracks to think. "_hmm, a blue-haired tomboy and… Saffron?! What the hell is that prick doing in possible timelines of Japan? Let me see here, a tug on reality here, a poke in the time-stream there and I'll get to the bottom of… this?..._" Skuld mentally trailed off as 5 more failed possible futures showed themselves in more holoscreens, no make that 20 more failed future holoscreens, no, 100 more holoscreens!? Skuld could only sit and gape as the collapsed timelines expounded on each other until they rounded off just past 1000.

As she slowly recovers her wits staring dumbly at the virtual wall of virtual computer screens, Skuld somehow, someway, knew Urd was at fault. So she does the only thing possible in this sort of case, which is of course to wail at the top of her lungs "ARG, **THIS SUUUUUUUCKS!!!**"

* * *

As Akane blearily opens her glazed still sleepy eyes, she… no make that _he_, couldn't help but to smile thinking back to a most pleasant dream he had, when then he could swear he heard a faint girls wail of '_this sucks_' emanating from on high above the clouds. No, that can't be right, that's just silly.

This is also when Akane-kun realizes several interesting facts. First is that it's now quite dark out, indicating it's now night-time, there's also the light from the street-lamps in further indication of this. Secondly, he realizes that other than the tattered undershirt, he's quite very much naked on cold pavement and in a rapidly cooling breeze. The breeze has the effect of informing him of a crusty and very cold portion uncovered of anatomy, subsequently bringing him to full alert consciousness. The first thing for the now very awake Akane-kun to actually see is that he's rolled on his side with his face merely inches away from Ukyo's supple bare butt.

"_Pervert! Oh my Kami, oh my Kami, oh my Kami, what'd I do? What'd I do?! What'd **WE** do!?? Pervert! Oh my Kami…_" was Akane-kun's confused mental tirade as he spun around from the site of Ukyo's backside, to then see Ranma-chan squeezing her more than generously sized 'assets' into Shampoo's cheongsam silk dress. A dress that while tight on Shampoo, looks painted on for Ranma-chan.

Seeing this Akane remembers a portion of the dream where he was on his back feeling quite good for some reason, and Ranma-chan was on top him with her 'assests' bouncing quite freely in front of his face, when he felt a new, yet familiar tingle spread over a portion of his lower anatomy. "_calm down Akane, calm down, its not like you haven't seen Ranma in all sorts of states of dress and undress before, I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for all this._" Akane thought to himself.

"_Okay, let's see, I'm naked, check, Ukyo's naked, check, Ranma is squeezed into one of Shampoo's dresses, check._" As Akane thought about those facts to himself, he formulated a conclusion. "_That PERVERT! She used me and Ukyo in some weird lesbian fetish sexcapade, where she was playing the part of Shampoo!!!_"

With that in mind, there's was only one course of action needed. '_pound the pervert!_'

Standing up, and materializing a ki-mallet, Akane-kun shouts "RANMA YOU PERVERT!"

Swing and a miss as Ranma dodges the pervert-pounder mallet. Then retorts "Geeze Akane keep it down will ya'? I've got a killer headache, and who are YOU calling a pervert, considerin' you're flashing ME?!"

Reminded of his own nakedness; Akane 'eeps!' as the ki-mallet winks out of existence as he tries to cover his shame.

Ranma then tosses a pair of pants to Akane and says "Put 'em on, they're Mousse's, but duck-boy ain't gonna' be needen 'em anytime soon though." With that Akane looks to where Ranma is looking to see a white duck and a purple cat huddled together against a tree, as he slips on the pants.

"Ranma, what happened here?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

Seeing Akane shake his head in a 'no', Ranma feels like she could just cry as she rants.

"Great, just great! Another 'first' for me as a girl, to lose my virginity as a girl and not a guy, and the guu-u err person I looo--o, err really like doesn't ever remember doing it!" she then stamps her foot and mumbles dejectedly "it's not fair."

Akane was wide-eyed and dumbfounded, he as a he, was with Ranma as a she, to do THAT!

"H-how?"

Ranma sighed and went into the explanation of the love-potions, the fight, the release of the potions and the events that came after that.

"So what now?" Akane asked.

"Well, I don't know 'bout you, but it's late, I'm REALLY tired, and I just wanna' go back to the dojo clean up, maybe get a snack and some aspirin and go to bed. That alright with you?"

Akane nods 'yes' then says looking over the 'spooning' bodies around them "But Ranma, what about everyone else? We can't just leave them here, can we?"

Rubbing her temples, Ranma says with some exasperation. "Eh, they'll be fine for now, and when they wake up, I think they might be, well, pretty pissed. And I know that I don't wanna' be around for that. So can we just go now?"

"Alright, alright, don't have to be so testy; what's your problemme anyway?" Akane said as the two bagan walking back to the dojo.

After several minutes of silent walking, Akane-kun asks; "Well, what's with you?! This whole 'silent treatment' is so not like you!"

Ranma abruptly stops, and turns a glare to Akane-kun as she advances on him saying. "What's wrong with me?, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? There's been yet ANOTHER fight were I was just some sick prize, we got drugged, I've been through a 'gang-bang' as a girl, I've got a massive headache and aches in places I'd rather not think about, and if that all weren't enough, I'm in a dress that I can hardly breath in 'cause my clothes got trashed, and all your guys 'junk' is leaking out and dribbling down my legs and getting cold! Pardon me if I'm not 'Miss Congeniality' or nothin'. And THAT'S MY PROBLEMME!"

With that Ranma does a disgruntled feminine 'Hmph' and goes back towards the dojo up ahead, leaving a shocked and confused Akane-kun sitting flat on his rear after her rant to stare dumbly at Ranma's retreating form in the night.

* * *

"_Oh my, Tofu-kun even got it in my hair!_" Kasumi thought as she used her now not so white handkerchief to remove the evidence of the '_it_' from her face and hair while giggling in front of the hall mirror, "_Oh but he's just so frustratingly silly sometimes! I just HAD to do something with initiative or he'd never get the clue. Honestly!_" she thought as she kept giggling.

"Kasumi, what ARE you doing!?" Ranma exclaims in surprise as she just walked into the house.

"EEP!" Kasumi screems girlishly then whirls around to face Ranma. "Oh-my, Ranma-chan don't startle me like that!"

"Sorry Kasumi, didn't mean to or nothin'. But what were you doin' just now?"

"Oh, that, heh-heh. Nice doctor Tofu came over and… and I was… um just freshening up after… um… heh heh entertaining him." Kasumi said giggling nervously.

With that Ranma peeked around the corner to look into the living room to see Tofu sitting on the couch, messed clothes, messed hair, glasses cracked from the heat of the steam, and twitching.

Ranma then said to him "Hi-ya doc. Tofu how are ya'?"

"Rrrnma, hmm flibble zerplerkertlenokt Kasumi zork flewedbleding GUUD!!" Tofu said as his eyes rolled back into his head as he lost consciousness.

Turning back to heavily blushing Kasumi, Ranma drawls almost sarcastically "Yep he sure looks plenty 'entertained' don't he?"

As Kasumi sputtered for some kind of response, Ranma headed towards the stairs, then stopped and said over her shoulder in a very mature voice. "Kasumi, I'm going to get a quick shower. Then as it seems 'Ranko' was the only one to pay attention to 'Auntie Nodoka' on how a proper Japanese woman treats guests in the house, it seems I'll have to have a talk with you later about your actions." With that Ranma continued up the stairs leaving Kasumi to gape and thinking "_Dear Lord when did Ranma become her mother? And Ranma's going to lecture ME on how to be a proper Japanese woman!?!?_"

* * *

"Come on Ryo-chan! Just hold my hand while I get the keys out. Unless, that is you want to wander off from me, a hot meal and warm bed?" Ukyo said with teary eyes. Hook.

"No, no that's not it at all Miss Ukyo, it's just I don't want to take advantage of your hospitality! Honest!" Ryoga defended.

"Now honey, we've done the deed, so no need to be so formal, just call me Ukyo… or better yet Uc-chan!" she said with a winning smile. Line.

"Well if you insist Uk… err I mean Uc-chan, but are you sure about me staying here with you?"

"Oh it's no problemme at all! In fact it's the least I could do for a big handsome strong martial artis like yourself!" Uc-chan beamed again.

"Ah-ha-ha, well if you put it that way, I guess I'll accept." Ryoga said with a nervous smile. And Sinker.

"_Can't have Ranchan, well no problemme, Ryo-chan does make a pretty nice consolation prize!_" Ukyo thought to herself as she opened the door to 'Uc-chans' Okonomiaki', to see sprawled out on the cold grill a very naked Konatsu, and a similarly unclad Tsubasa. Though, Ukyo was certain that that potted plant in the corner that wasn't there when she left, was his costume du jour.

"Ukyo-sama! You've returned heh-heh, please pardon our forwardness Ukyo-sama." Konatsu said with head bowed standing before Ukyo.

Though Ukyo was too stunned by what she was seeing, or rather not seeing to say much more than "Ko-konatsu, since when are… are you a #gulp# girl?"

"Oh you mean why am I an actual girl instead of a boy just dressing as one?"

Ukyo nods 'yes'

"Oh that's simple; I just saved up my pay, and ordered just enough Jusenkyo Nyannichuan mixed with permanence water for one dose. It came yesterday and now it's like a dream come true!" Konatsu smilled a thousand watt smile.

Stunned, Ukyo turned to Tsubasa and asked "And you are…with Konatsu as a her?"

"What? You had your chance Ukyo, and Konatsu and I have been on a few dates, but I know she's the one for me now that she's made the leap."

Konatsu couldn't but to smile tearily and happily as she sidled up next to Tsubasa.

Getting her wits back together Ukyo then asked, "So you both are together now, right?" they nod 'yes' so she continues "So you both are gonna' stop trying to get me in some way?"

They nod yes, the Konatsu says "Yes Ukyo-sama, seems we both gave you plenty of chances but we were turned down each time. But now we're together and happy. I hope you can be happy for us."

After several uncertain minutes Ukyo jumps and shouts "YATTAI!" then hugs Konatsu and Tsubasa and kisses them on their cheeks as she then grabs Ryoga by the shirt collar dragging him upstairs happily mumbling something about 'celebrating'.

After several moments Tsubasa says "Well, that certainly was…"

"Odd I know." Konatsu finishes. Follwed by a shouting-squeal from upstairs of "Clean that grill when your all done!" presumably from Ukyo.

"Definitely odd" Tsubasa mumbles.

* * *

"I'm home!" Nabiki called as she entered the house. "_No reply, how odd_"

"We're here in the living room Nabiki-chan!" Came a mature properly spoken voice from the said room.

"_Auntie-Nodoka? What is she doing here at this late hour?_" Nabiki thought to herself as she walked in to the living room to see the faces of Kasumi and Akane-chan bowed, to a woman in a formal kimono, with a silk-wrapped stick by her side, and red-hair up in a bun

"Auntie Nodoka what are you doing here?"

Turning to face Nabiki, the woman said "I'm sorry Nabiki-chan, but I'm not Mother, and last I checked I lived here."

"Gah! Ranma! What's going on? Why are you acting like your mother? What the Hell is going on!?" Nabiki said in frustrated surprise, to which Ranma retorted sternly "Such language! I won't have it, do you understand me Nabiki-chan!"

"Yes Ma-am" Nabiki said meakly, then mentally kicked herself "_For cryin' out loud you just called Ranma 'ma-am'!_"

"Now that's better. Well if you really must know when I came home this evening I found that Kasumi had just finished 'servicing' Doctor Ono on the couch. So I decided that you girls (she glanced at Kasumi) needed a refresher in Mother's teachings on how proper Japanese women act."

"Oh, Kasumi and Tofu on the couch ewww!" Nabiki says as Kasumi's face grows even more red from embarrassment.

"Okay, I guess I can understand this 'refresher' as you put it, but what's with this act and getup of yours?"

"Oh, well this evening I became a whole woman, so I decided that as long as I'm in woman-form. I shall endeavor to be a 'woman among women', and it just so happens that the best example from which to base this off of is from my Mother. Fortunately she taught me well, diced up the previous contract, and seems amicable to me as a woman. And hopefully you girls can at least learn some proper decorum!"

After that was said the silence was deafening. Kasumi was the first to recover asking "What do you mean Ranma that you became a 'whole woman', does it mean you can no longer change?"

Ranma drew in a breath and said "Well yes that is partially it, during my shower after I got home I realized I couldn't change, at first I was shocked and angry and something else I can't identify. But then I realized that the events of tonight along with what you once pointed out Nabiki, is that I'm a better person and better off as a woman."

Ignoring the gasps of surprise from Kasumi and Akane-chan, Nabiki pressed, "What do you mean, what I once pointed out? What'd I say?"

"Well, I guess it was just a few days into my training of Akane on how to handle the curse that…"

Akane then realizes what's about to happen, her eyes widen in true fear and she says "No not a flashback, anything but a flashba…" too late.

-----#scene wavers with harp music#-----

"Come on Akane! Your center of gravity is higher now! You have to compensate for that when throwing a kick!" Ranma-chan shouted

"Oh but Ranma it's hard!" Akane-kun whined.

"Of course it's hard! And quit talkin' like a polite little house girl!"

"Why should I!?"

"Because this is trainin' on how to be a man! You're gonna' be a man half the time, so talk like it!" Ranma shot back.

"Arrg! Why should I you hypocrite! You're a girl half the time, and yet you talk, and walk, and dress like a boy still! So how come I have to go through all this, and you don't!?" Akane-kun shouted.

"Heh, 'Bro's' got you there Ranma-chan." Nabiki said as she entered the dojo.

"What'd ya mean Nab's?"

"Quite simple really; why should Akane go through all this 'man-training' to adapt to her curse, when you won't do the same for yourself?" Nabiki said with a smirk.

"Why? Why it's because I'm a guy dammit!"

"Oh, so this boob I'm poking is just an illusion?" Nabiki's smirk grew slightly.

"No it's real, I've just gotta' me manly and stuff, ya know? So I can't be all girly-girly. And would ya' cut that out?"

"Oh I see, so that's how it is. So Akane has to go through all this stuff to learn how to act like a proper male, because that form is now part of her. But the same doesn't apply to you?"

"Yeah." Ranma said unsurely.

"See! Ranma you jerk you're nothing but a big hypocrite!" Akane-kun shouted.

"You know Saotome, I have to agree with 'bro' there. Honestly, if there weren't so many examples of you being a real girl with it not being an act, I'd say you COULDN'T be a convincing female if you tried."

"Hey Nab's what's that supposed to mean?" Ranma said curiosity dripping into her voice.

"Well, it's simply thinking back to incidents where you behaved just like a real girl would. Like when Mikado Senzanin stole a kiss from you, you're first as I understand it, where you then ran off bawling your eyes out. Or when you got that knock on the head, and cooked and cleaned with a poise and grace only a REAL girl could have. Then there's when you worked at the Nekohanten, and when a guy copped a feel, instead of flattening him, like a guy would, you just brushed it off, gave a glare or told them off, and kept working. Then there's that whole 'koi-rod' thing where…"

"OKAY, OKAY I GET IT! Geeze, you don't have to rub it in. So what you're sayin' is that there are a lot of times, where I'm actin' like a girl, without it being an act?"

"Right on the money Saotome. But what I think I'm getting at is that just because you've been acting femininely in your girl-form, you still act like your usual brash egotistical male self when in guy form."

"Gee Nabiki, thanks…" Ranma drawled than said "So your point is what exactly?"

"Oh it's simple really. All I'm saying is that while you're training Akane to be a good boy, she, and I could train you in how to be a good girl. That way you'll be a better person overall. And on the plus side, a more feminine 'Ranko' would make 'Auntie-Nodoka so very proud don't you think?" "_Gotcha!_"

"Yeah, I guess it couldn't hurt to go through some regular girl training. Yeah that's it! If I gotta' be a girl, I'd better be the best!"

"_Nabiki what have you unleashed?_" Akane-kun thought as Nabiki rolled her eyes.

-----#Return to present with harp music#-----

"make the bad flashbacks stop, make them stop" Akane-chan kept mumbling as she rocked back and forth in the fetal position.

"Akane snap out of it!" Nabiki says as she pats Akane on the back.

"Oh, it's over?"

"Yeah sis, don't worry, the big bad flashback is gone for now." Nabiki reassured Akane.

"O-okay, hey you aren't mocking my 'flashbackaphobia' again are you Nabiki?" Akane said now sitting up.

"No certainly not."

"Well, alright then… hey! I just thought of something! Ranma you said that you couldn't change earlier right?" Ranma nods with a 'yes' so Akane continues. "Don't you see, it's been close to 3 weeks now since your first menses, so this being stuck is probably just that you starting the cycle again!"

After several moments Ranma nods and says with a small smile "You know Akane, I think you're right, thank you for pointing that out."

"Alright Ranma-chan, now that that's all cleared up, will you assist me in bringing Tofu-kun up to the guest room?" Kasumi politely asked.

"Certainly Kasumi, I was about to retire for the evening anyway." Ranma said as she picked up the now revealed live-steal katana, to then take one arm of Tufu and Kasumi took the other arm to drag him up the stairs.

One Ranma was out of ear-shot, Nabiki turned to Akane and said "Akane, I'm not sure what happened to Ranma tonight, in fact I'm not sure I want to know. But I think you should get a tux ready."

"Why do you say that Nabiki?"

"Well, somehow someway Ranma has morphed into her mother, and considering that you 'had your way' with her earlier tonight, she's going to want to get hitched now, and probably soon too. But that's just a guess. Now if you'll excuse me I have some footage to upload" Nabiki then leaves a pale, and mouth gaping Akane to mull that over.

* * *

Later that evening Hikaru Gosenkugi was loving every $14.95 minute of 'NEW!' video-clips on "Nabiki's Redhead happy happy funtime house" site. 

"_Though, it would be better if that girl would get out of the way so I could see that hunk of a man better!_" he thought.

* * *

The next morning at the Tendo dojo is unusually quite as they sit, waiting for the two Saotome women to serve breakfast, the only real voice is Genma continually mumbling about 'ungrateful sons not protecting their fathers, and not waking him up early enough to get in a pre-breakfast game of 'shogi' in with Soun.'

But soon enough Nodoka comes out of the kitchen balancing no less than 5 platters of food. '_Yes she IS Ranma's mother alright._' Was the general thought from all the Tendo's.

However Genma was not paying attention to that feat of balance work. No instead he only saw one redheaded, kimono wearing, katana wielding madwoman to his left, and one redheaded, kimono wearing, katana wielding madwoman to his right, when he then screamed like a little girl, hands flew protectively to cover his buttocks, then ran _through_ the paper door to the backyard leaving a Genma shaped hole in it, as he continued to run and scream like a little girl.

"Mother do you know what that was about?" Ranma questioned.

Nodoka's face darkend slightly as a rather disturbingly sadistic smile grew on her face as she said "Oh it's nothing dear, I just had to be _manly_ to Genma to show him the errors of his ways last night is all. I guess he's just over-reacting still."

"Oh, alright then." Ranma said dismissively, and ignoring the boggling looks the Tendo's were giving her and her mother.

After several quite masticating minutes, Nodoka splashes Akane-chan with water changing her to Akane-kun, then says "So Akane-kun, Ranma told me of your impending marriage, are you thinking of Shinto or Western style?"

As four sets of chop-sticks falls from numb fingers, and four sets of Tendo eyes turn towards a madly smiling, Ranma-chan in a kimono lovingly stroking a katana by her side, while vigorously nodding her head in a 'yes'.

Nabiki leans over and whispers into Akane-kun's ear "I pitty you." This followed by Kasumi leaning over and whispering into his other ear "ditto."

This then followed by Akane-kun's eyes rolling back into his head as he passes out into his soup.

"Oh-my!"

* * *

A/N: Gosh I LOVE cliffhangers, don't you? 

T/B/C!


	10. Chap 10, Parental Woes?

:Refer to pages 1, 2, and 3 for disclaimer:

Ranma and Akane: Woes in Nerima.

By, Tuisto.

* * *

A story of gratuitous cameos, unusual plots, even weirder martial arts, and utter craziness. Oh, and yes, I AM a sick and twisted person. That said, this story, while taking a lot of elements from the Ranma-verse, is completely AU (that's 'Alternate-Universe' folks), and as such, don't try to ponder anything you read here within with ANY sort of an attempt to rationalize or understand it. You'll likely just end up with a headache. Or like me, "sick and twisted". You've been warned.

* * *

Now without further, adieu.

**Woes in Nerima chapter 10:**

* * *

The Tendo house patriarch Soun was confused. So confused he couldn't shed even the slightest tear, that's how confused he was. Really he seemed to be confused quite a lot lately. But now is seems that his soon-to-be son-in-law, was now not only accepting of the engagement which until now he had adamantly vowed against, but was looking forward to a marriage soon as well? But, now his son-in-law was going to be his daughter in law, while his tomboy daughter was going to be groom? Not only that, but his daughter turned son, has already had relations with his son-in-law turned daughter-in-law as well, which means that 'her' honour would be all-but ruined should they not wed?

Soun was momentarily roused from his musings by an "Oh My!" from his dear sweet _normal_ daughter Kasumi to see his daughter turned son pass out into his, now make that her hot soup. Oh good, deer sweet _normal_ Kasumi is fishing her out of the soup before she can drown, how considerate, and _normal _of her.

But now what to do about this wedding idea? He and his best friend Genma have worked and pushed their two children together for so long now, that surely this is a god-send right? And Ranma is the one who brought it up!

But, what of Akane's reaction? She's grown quite comfortable in her/his male body, maybe a little too comfortable even. But will _he_ be really willing to marry Ranma-chan and not Ranma-kun? Akane always has had a bit of a temper after all, maybe 'he' won't take to kindly to the thought, labeling it as 'perverted'.

Of course there is that strong possibility that Akane hasn't accepted the engagement as openly as Ranma and might even turn down the idea of a wedding altogether. Foolish boy! '_Where have I heard that before? Hmm._'

But what would that do to Ranma? The boy, err girl… whatever has seemed a bit off today. What with her conservative proper feminine speech, formal blue kimono and a silk wrapped a katana by her side. Conclussion in Soun's mind? '_Dear sweet merciful maker the Saotome womens genes have caught up to Ranma and have melted her brain to mush!_'

Alright so the Saotome family quirks are coming to full bloom in Ranma, no big deal right? So she's an extremely high powered martial artist who not long ago was in a duel that blew up a mountain? So what if she's maybe a little eccentric and maybe a little eager for a quick, but proper wedding? How bad could she react to Akane's rejection of the idea? Honestly, Ranma-chan's "woman scorned" couldn't be too bad, could it?

.Pause.

The sound of 'Akane no Baka!' from Ranma's lips, followed by the image of a 'mushroom cloud' ascending over a purple skied and incinerated Nerima briefly flitters through Souns mind.

That does it, NOW Soun '_fountain-sama_' Tendo can weep blessed tears as he realizes that he needs to get some sake and get totally plastered, and NOW!

* * *

Ukyo couldn't be happier! Here she was with prime of her life, her own restaurant her 'waitresses' were no longer going to hound her as a love interest, and she's gotten a pretty good consolation prize hulk of a man. Sure he's got that directional problemme and that Jusenkyo turn-into-a-pig trip going on. But still he's got great points going for him… like… like… that rock hard ass of steel of his!

"_I wonder when he'll propose? Naw, Ryoga's too shy, I'll have to propose for him to propose I guess…_' She thought to herself somewhat amused.

"_And maybe after the wedding I'll be able to open a shop in Juuban where they talk about that two-long-pony-tailed blond ditz of a girl that can eat her own weight in food, oh happy day!_" she thought with absolute glee.

As she hears an order for a shrimp special she realizes that the shrimp she needs is still in the back room freezer and she can't get away from the grill to get it so she calls out in a sing-song voice "Hey Ryo-chan can't you please get some of the shrimp from the freezer in back? Thanks sugar!"

"Uh… alright Ucchan, if only I could find my way out of the jungle…"

'_jungle what jungle?_' she thought to herself, and as she looked up she could just smack herself seeing Ryoga stuck in the front corner behind the decorative fichus tree.

Putting down her grill duties she walks over and takes Ryoga by the arm and says laughingly "Honestly Ryoga, you're so hopeless, here let me help ya' out a bit, 'kay?"

So leading him to the backroom, the instant they both step over the threshold of the doorway, Ukyo's stomach feels as though its doing cartwheels while in a centrifuge as her vision wavers and distorts.

Then things get weird…

And they're gone.

* * *

At that instant a certain Timelord in a blue English police call box pays homage to the patron kami of the 'Spit-take' with his Earl Grey tea, as two of the players in the game just vanished from the viewingscreen!

After several frantic minutes of adjusting the controls and 'tweaking' the settings with a… hammer? He sighs in relief and then chuckles, "Why, I'll be, if that's not the daftest thing…" he said as he took his seat again to finish his tea while watching the view in the new screen.

* * *

After several minutes of recovery, Ukyo was pretty sure she wasn't going to hurl, so she asked tentatively "Ryoga, what the hell just happened?..." then she took a look around and said "…And Where the hell are we?!"

Ryoga taking several glances in each direction from the street level business doorway they were standing under, then consulting a street map labeled 'Brisbane', he looked at Ukyo and said with all honesty "I think we're in Okinawa"

Moments passed in which she REALLY wanted to hit him, Ukyo sighed then said "Ryo-chan, I've not been to Okinawa, but I don't think they got European style grey-stone high-rises, or their street signs in English… so I don't think we're in Japan anymore."

"Heh… heh, you're probably right Ucchan…" Ryoga nervously laughed scratching behind his head, then said "But I think I've been around here before, so hey over there is a pretty good place to stop and get directions!" he said pointing over to a lower level bar.

Ukyo, just took his word for that, as the two made their way across the road, Ukyo noting the auto's all on the right side, she crossed England off of the list of places they could be just as they descended the stairs and Ryoga swung the door to the bar open. Then all the people inside the bar, which was quite a few considering is was still early afternoon turned and spoke as one "**Hi Ryoga!**" to which Ryoga just laughed and waved back, calling over to some guy, Norm, something or another…

Then Ukyo could only sweat-drop as her knowledge of English picked out the words to the song from the jukebox "_where_ _everybody knows your name…_"

Yes, wherever this "Cheers" was, it certainly was an odd place…

* * *

Shampoo had seen may an odd sight in her short life, though most of the more unusual shit to hit the fan that she'd seen has been in sleepy little Nerima Japan. Though none of that till now made her this scared.

There was her great (by several factors) grandmother balanced on her staff cooking soup by the looks of it. Though Shampoo then had to bite down on her tongue to stifle a scream of primal fear as she caught the wizened old women (i.e. decrepit shriveled mummy) giggling softly and blushing like a school-girl. Of course the effect through a voice and face well of three centuries old would drive anyone into a similar state of mindless fear.

There was also the fact that the… chicken soup? By the looks of it was radiating an aura of absolute black evil. Of course the fact that evil chicken soup shouldn't have an aura, much less an evil one really wasn't as fear inducing as a giggling and blushing Cologne.

But no, Shampoo was a strong brave Amazon warrior so she asked somewhat shakily "W-what g-grandmother making?"

Cologne then got a far away distant look as her blush deepened as she said with a sigh "Making supper for my man! #giggle#"

As Shampoo was reaching the 'you're so scared you're about to piss your pants and run' stage she managed to squeak out "uh- What?"

Cologne then 'tsked' and said "Honestly Shampoo, you know that a way to a man's heart in through his stomach, so you give him food that best suit him! Happi is an evil not so _little_ man #giggle# so with a little of Hitler's chicken, some Rasputin's basil and some other things… voila evil chicken soup!..."

Shampoo REALLY didn't want to know where those ingredients came from.

"… and now all I have to do is serve and he'll be mine again! And maybe he'll propose this time and we can grow _ancient_ together!" there goes that far away distant school-girl look again.

As Shampoo slowly backs out of the kitchen of the NekoHanten in fear, all she can think of is that hopefully Mousses' ministrations could help her forget the horror she just witnessed…

* * *

Honestly, the nerve of Akane to pass out like that from her mothers proclamation. How rude!

Though it would be a bit of a shock wouldn't it? Being a _fiancée_ one day, and then a _fiancé_ the next, then a wedding announcement on top of that. Still though maybe this was a bit much, Ranma had how many times declared 'manliness'? Was she willing to marry Akane-kun instead of Akane-chan?

'_Of course I am!_'

But why?

'_Because he's so manly!_'

Woah, where'd that come from?

'_Well you know it's true!_'

"…"

'_Anyway, he'd better say yes or else!_' Ranma though somewhat darkly.

"Oh My! I think she's coming around!" Ranma-chan heard Kasumi say excitedly.

'_Ooohh Akane's waking up! What am I going to do? Do… do… AH! Make up!_' Ranma thought nervously, and proceeded to pull out a powder compact. After checking, Ranma just couldn't help but to look at her reflection and hum out loud happily, but the as she sang the lyrics in her head, she just couldn't shake an indescribable feeling... oh well.

'_See the pretty girl in the mirror there? _

'_Who can that attractive girl be? _

'_Such a pretty face  
'Such a pretty dress  
'Such a pretty smile_

'_Such a pretty me!_

'_I feel pretty, oh so pretty!_

'_So pretty, and witty and GAY!' _(1)

Ranma then noticing Akane beginning to sit up, stops her little mental musical to see what Akane would have to say for herself now.

For the second time in as many days, Akane blearily returns to consciousness with a groan "Wha… what happened?" she asked weekly.

"Oh, Akane-chan, don't you remember? I simply asked you what your thoughts were about the impending marriage." Nodoka asked sweetly.

"Wedding?" Akane-chan asked weekly.

"Yeah sis, little miss hot pants over there more or less proposed to you, ah, then of course you being the klutz passed out in your soup." Nibiki interjected with a smirk.

Akane then turned around to face Ranma, a look of fear and hope crossed her eyes for a moment then she asked Ranma in a fairly meek voice blushing slightly "Ranma you really mean that? You really want to marry me?"

Ranma then looked right into Akane's eyes a resolve settling on her face and the ghost of a smile gently grazing her lips when she spoke "yeah Akane, of course I want to marry you! Yeah I know I've called you tomboy and all, but now I really want to marry, I really think we can make this work now, that is if you'll have me as your blushing bride." Ranma finished blushing and giggling nervously.

For a few moments after Ranma's proclamation, Akane was too stunned to do anything. Sure she was aware of Kasumi and Nodoka smiling brightly, Nabiki leaving the room, her father on his third beer before 8 a.m., but to her at that moment Ranma was the center undivided focus to all of her attention.

Then Ranma's words began sinking in and Akane's heartstrings leapt out in joy, then she leapt into the shorter girls arms and cried out in happiness "oh Ranma! Of course I'll marry you! Anything, anything for you just ask!"

For several moments Ranma just held Akane in her arms happily, just simply seeing this kind of happiness in Akane from her acceptance of Ranma, made Ranma's day all that much sunnier.

Then there was a polite cough from Nodoka then the two girls still each other's embrace looked up to see the Sãotomé matriarch, who was lightly dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief, then she said "Oh my you two are going to make such a beautiful couple! Of course we'll have to figure out who will be the bride and who will be the groom..." Then Nodoka got a unusual glint in her eye "... which of course dears that gave me several wonderful ideas, which I'll have to call Elder Cologne about later. But for now don't you two think you should be going to school so you aren't late for classes?"

For a brief moment Ranma and Akane were unsettled deeply by the glint in Nodoka's eye, and her statement of "wonderful ideas", then her words about school settled in, then Ranma turned to face Akane, Akane turned to face Ranma they both looked at each other slapped their hands to their cheeks and groaned "SCHOOL!" together.

Then Nodoka blinked, only to see a dust trail from where Ranma and Akane had been sitting moments before heading out the room, out the door, and down the street towards Furinkan High. Kasumi the then mumbled something about "oh my how energetic!" Then busied herself back in the kitchen. Nodoka then blinked again deciding sooner was better than later walked over to the telephone, moments later the other end of the phone line was picked up, then Nodoka said into the phone "Hello Elder Cologne, I was wondering if you could perhaps inform me of what I'm told are instant curses?..."

After several minutes of brief pleasant conversation with Nodoka and Elder Cologne, and Nodoka explaining the reason for her call and unusual question, she quickly had to pull the phone away from her ear as Cologne burst into a raucous laughter.

* * *

Happosai was really enjoying this wonderful spicy chicken soup his little Ko-chan had made for him, when Cologne had answered the phone. Minutes later and just as he was draining the bowl, Cologne burst into fits of laughter and Happosai just had to feel sorry for the poor sod that will be involved in some sort of scheme that would make Cologne laugh like that…

Somewhere, Genma sneezed.

* * *

As Ranma and Akane walked through the gates of Furinkan, the two girls could hear the rumor mill working in overdrive this morning, with such things as:

_"you hear that they're engaged?"_

_"Who do you think proposed first Ranma or Akane?"_

Then there were the more perverted it rumors going about.

_"I bet that Ranma got Akane pregnant!"_

_"No way man! Akane-kun totally knocked up Ranma-chan!"_

_"I wonder if they've done it guy guy?"_

Though fortunately neither Ranma or Akane heard that last line, though the rest of the students scattered it in like Mosses parting the Red Sea so the students parted, revealing the speaker, one Hikaru Gosenkugi wearing candles on his head. Nobody was certain _why_… He just looked meekly at the parted crowd in front of him said quietly "what?".

Then someone in the crowd shouted "Get Him!", and once again Hikaru shouted to the clouds what Kami he pissed off to deserve this.

Of course up in Asgard viewing this scene, was the Kami of voodoo shaking his fist at the hollow screen protection of this scene below and shouting angrily "You Know What You Did!"

Meanwhile Ranma and Akane had long since passed all that commotion and were nearly act of the school doors, when the two girls were brought to a screeching halt by the sight facing them leaning against the doorway. As it was none other than Tatewaki Kuno, though both Ranma and Akane noticed that the Kuno was actually dressed in his school uniform with small book satchel had actually even combed his hair bringing out his bishonen good looks.

Ranma was the first to react to his presence, angrily shouting at him "what do you want Kuno?!" and hoping he wouldn't notice the blush of embarrassment coloring her cheeks from the remembered acts of the day prior.

"Hi Ranma! I just wanted to congratulate you two, on your upcoming nuptials. Is that so bad?"

Akane and Ranma blink-blinked for a moment, then Akane said "No Kuno that's all right and thank you, I didn't know word of it got into the schools so quickly."

"Well actually your elder sister Nibiki sold information to the school this morning befor you two arrived that's how we all got it." Kuno said two girls in front of him.

Of course Akane and Ranma were both thinking "_Damn Nibiki! Do you have to sell all the information in our personal lives!?_"

Then Ranma noticing something about Kuno spoke "Hey Kuno, you seem different today you alright?"

For a few moments to know blushed and stammered before regaining his traditional noble composure and saying "Well actually Ranma, Akane, since our little public tryst, ah, um, well it's as if a veil has been lifted off my eyes and I see for the very first time. Truly now I'm sane, and I do wish to apologize for my actions towards you two during my darkness. I hope you will forgive me." He then bowed his head.

For a minute or so of the two girls were in stunned silence front of this Kuno. Ranma was the first to break the trance asking Kuno with a blush on her cheeks "Kuno are you saying that, well that we, ah well you know..."

"Yes Ranma thanks to you I was fucked into sanity." Kuno said simply, bypassing her stammering.

Ranma then just gave him a dead glare "Well don't you know how to make a girl feel special."

Kuno then waved his hands defensively front of his face, and then stammered "no, no, no, that's not it at all, I really to want to thank you! I'm even in a debt to you I could never really repay. But for now friends?"

Ranma then looked at Akane, then Akane looked at Ranma and they nod it in unison.

"Yeah Kuno, I think we can be friends, but it'll be simply platonic alright?" Akane said to Kuno with a slight sharpness and her voice.

Ranma then got a curious look on her face turned back to Kuno and asked him "Kuno, what about Kodatchi?"

Kuno then sighed and shook his head and said "well Ranma, you'll be pleased to know that she's no longer fixated on you, but well you know she's, well still..." Kuno then gave them a knowing look, to which they both nodded to in understanding.

Then before their conversation could precede any further the five-minute warning bell chimed, followed by the childlike cry of "Delinquents!" from Hinaiko prompting all the students including Kuno, Ranma, and Akane that were by the door to rush into school to find their classrooms and seats before they could be drained by the local Chi vampire.

* * *

School that day passed by relatively quickly for the students if slightly unnervingly, as for the first time in living memory Ranma stayed awake in class and actually answer questions correctly!

Though nearing the end of the school day Ranma made a slight complaint to Akane of a light headache and slight nausea.

This of course coming from Ranma, the same person who could be impaled through the chest and say it's just a scratch, worried Akane greatly to suggest going to doctor Tofu.

Just as they were about to reach the entryway for the doctor's office as the sound of water splashing followed by Akane-kun's cursed cry of "Dammit! Can't I stay a girl for just one day!?" rang out.

To that Ranma just chuckled as Akane-kun adjusted his clothes to fit his now larger form, then said "Now you know by now it'll happen at the oddest times when it's the least convenient. Be lucky it was just the little old laddle lady and not some trucks splashing you with mud water out of the street gutter."

"Yeah I guess you're right..." Akane kun then opened the door into the clinic, as the two walked in Akane couldn't shouted "doctor Tofu, are you in? Ranma needs to see you!"

Tofu then poked his head out of exam room three smiling at his two favorite young patients and said motioning them into the room "Come in, come in! What can I do for you today Ranma?"

To which Ranma just rubbed her forehead slightly with her left hand and said "well Doc, it's just like a small headache and I'm a little sick to my tummy nothing really. Akane is just making a big fuss over nothing."

Doctor Tofu then "Hmmed" and said "well Ranma since you've only ever been sick once that wasn't somehow chemically or trauma induced, I have to say Akane is right in bringing you here. Now if now if you'll just hop on the table will have a looksee, and see what's going on here."

Ranma just looked at him for a moment, shrugged her shoulders and hopped up on the table. After several minutes of doctor Tofu's poking and prodding and constant "Hmm"ing Ranma was picking to get just slightly nervous. Maybe Akane was right in the there is something wrong.

Then tofu stopped his poking and prodding examination and just stared at Ranma, then said "Ranma I think I'd like to have a look you down in the lab, if you'll just follow me" Tofu said leading both Ranma and Akane out of exam room 3 through his office and to the broom closet door, which he opened to show blacks swirling mass that wasn't a closet.

Akane then looked up to Tofu, and said other nervously "Um, Tofu isn't this the, um broom closet?"

Tofu just chuckled and said with a mischievous smile "Just trust me." And that he pushed Ranma-chan and Akane-kun through the black swirling mass that was the broom closet door, him following to close the door behind him.

Just as Ranma and Akane were stepping out of the black void door with Tofu right behind them, they can only gape at what they saw as it was like a scene right out of Star Trek. As it was an immense room with one wall lined up with several high tech looking beds with screens mounted in the wall above them, along the back wall was what appeared to be a surgical suite with a larger medical bad strata by bright golden light and to the left a large medical laboratory console computer thing of some sorts. Just as Ranma and Akane had finished appraising the room they were even more surprised to see a bald gaijin man appeared out of thin air wearing a black body suit with blue shoulders and a star shaped pin over his heart, who then said tonelessly "Welcome to sick bay, what is the nature of the medical emergency?"

Before either Akane or Ranma could gather their wits to this new development, Tofu said "Nothing now Doctor, just here to do a little check up on my friend Ranma here".

To that the so-called "Doctor" just "Hmmed" and vanished back in the air.

After seeing all this display both Akane and Ranma whirled around to face doctor tofu and asked in unison "How!?"

"How what?" Doctor Tofu asked back amusedly.

"How!? How about the door!? How about this place! And how about that man!?" Ranma asked irritably.

To this Tofu just laugh and a high nasal laugh, and said "Why I'm the greatest medical genius on earth!!" To emphasize this a little miniature Tofu doll popped into being on his left shoulder tossing confetti and proclaiming "Tofu's the greatest!", this followed by a little miniature Tofu doll to pop up on his right shoulder tossing confetti and proclaiming "Tofu's the best!"

This of course caused Ranma and Akane to big-sweat-drop at the sight.

After Tofu calmed himself, he said "Really it's all just a series of family techniques passed on from the ancient grand-matriarch of the Ono clan Washuu Hakubi, God rest her soul…"

---

Somewhere in a subspace pocket Laboratory, a small redheaded girl with wild crab like hair working with highly volatile chemicals over a very dangerous machine, sneezed.

"Gesundheit Washuu-chan!" Mihoshi suddenly said bubbly from behind Washuu-chan, scaring her enough to drop the chemicals on the machine.

Needless to say the explosion that followed registered on no less than 70 planets across at least three planes of existence.

And coincidentally caused Ayeka to sigh up a dreamy "Wow!" while looking at her vibrator.

---

After who knows how long of being in this so called "sick bay", with odd lights and off the machines being waved around her Ranma was begging to be a little irritated though she didn't let it show to Tofu.

Then finally Tofu cleared his throat and said smiling "Well Ranma, the test results are all in, I've triple checked everything, and I have to say congratulations are in order! Though I must say you were the least likely person I'd ever expect to have to do for these sorts of tests on."

A puzzled expression then settles over Ranma's face as she asks "What you talkin' about Doc?"

"Oh, silly me!..." Tofu laughs nervously "... what I mean to say is, Ranma you're pregnant!"

As Ranma's right eyebrow rapidly twitches, she asks sharply "What?"

"What I'm saying here Ranma is that in nine months you will be a mother! On a plus note, I think you'll be pleased to know that the father is Akane-kun here."

Ranma's eyebrow twitches more.

"Ranma?" Akane-kun asks nervously.

More eyebrow twitching from Ranma.

"Ranma are you all right?" doctor Tofu asks waving a hand in front of Ranma's face.

Ranma then mechanically turns to face Akane-kun, who then flinches at the look being given him by Ranma.

Ranma then it jumps off the examination bad and points a finger accusingly at Akane kun shouting "YOU DID THIS TO ME!", and then much to Akane's surprise, Ranma manifests a large Chi mallet which just so happens to be his last conscious sight before the blackness of unconsciousness overwhelms him.

Ranma in a huff, stomps her way through the "sick-bay", slams open the black swirling void door and leaves in a huff.

Tofu then looked at the unconscious form of Akane-kun on the floor, and looks to the door, then size saying "Well that didn't go quite like I expected it to."

Tofu then pinches the bridge of his nose, and says "Activate the EMH". And as before a bald gaijin man in a black jumpsuit with blue shoulders and a star shaped pin over his heart appears saying "what is the nature of the medical emergency?" To which tofu just points to the unconscious boy on the floor, and the man and hologram then hoist him onto a medical bed.

Meanwhile on the street heading back to the Tendo dojo, Ranma was in turmoil thinking "_I'm_ _not even 17, not even a real girl and I'm pregnan! And I hit Akane and left him! What ever will I tell mom?..._"

-----

---OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE---

The Jusenkyo guide was really starting to get pissed spoke to this guy.

Several days ago this guy came into the valley, and just wouldn't shut up!

Now normally the guide enjoyed the occasional visitor in his otherwise lonesome little valley.

But this guy was really pushing the guide to his last nerve, always talking, and asking questions about the springs.

Like how many there are, what all do they do, do the springs cure other springs or just mix?

Yeesh this guy just won't shut up!?

"Guide! Oh My. Guide! Waht's this springs over here!" the guy called out, far too happily.

Sighing the Guide called back "Mr. Guest, that is uncursed spring, no tragic tale, that one."

Hearing this, the guests' eyes lit up and said "Oh Really! Wow, I'd better get a picture to note of it!"

So said he began to fumble with his camera pack, and stepped closer to the uncursed spring.

Just as he was leaning over the spring about to #click# his camera, he lost his footing and fell in the spring with a mighty #splash #! and a faint glow from the spring. Several minutes passed by after the guide saw this, he the adopted a "thinkers" pose with on arm crossed over his chest with his other arms fist under his chin.

After many more minutes, the guide left the area only to return a short while later with a shovel and a cart filled with dirt.

---

About an hour later the guide was tired, but where there once was a small little spring, there was now a small mound of fresh dirt and gravel.

The guide then pounded into the still soft soil a small wooden sign he made, dusted off his hands, then looked back at the little mound of dirt and said "A _not_ so tragic tale."

With that he smiled, and walked back to his hut whistling happily, only to once again stop and happily look back at the little wood sign "_'Former'_ Spring of drowned fanfic writer."

---OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE-OMAKE---

A/N:

Hey what do you know, I'm not dead! And now I've got no voice dictation software program which really lets me write quite rapidly, as my typist skills are really incredibly poor. And maybe just maybe I might be able to finish the story, before NEXT year!

1.Those lyrics from West Side Story were just to tempting to NOT use somewhere in the fiction, don't you think?

2.Yes, I'm aware reproductive biology doesn't work, or show physical signs anywhere near as fast as I've portrayed, but lets all just consider it a quirk of the anime-universe.

Thanks all!


End file.
